A new year and a new life...that comes every year like clockwork.
So it's another year. I think the saying is something like, "celebrate endings, for they mark new beginnings." For me, celebrating endings has become a religious routine of sorts.
Let me explain. As my co-workers can attest, I measure the passage of time and life in a very peculiar way: through the ending of events, monuments and other happenings set by someone else. For example, when NM/Target launched their new collection for Christmas, it was a set start and end date. My response: "OMG I can't wait til that is over!"
Construction on the 6 train will last from x date through x date? "God, I can't wait til they are finished."
That scaffolding across the street from Bloomingdales? You guessed it, counting the days until it goes down. An observatory habit, I mentally count the passage of time through things that neither directly affect me or are controlled by me.
When you put it that way, it's a little alarming and quite frankly very, very strange. Why should I care? That scaffolding could be up for YEARS. The trains? Forget it, they are NEVER going to be working the right way. In this way of time measurement, time is actually of no essence, and patience is key, for you could literally be waiting your whole life for these events to actually be over.
For another year, here I am. Single, making it on my own in this amazingly creative whirlwind of a city. I work, date, sleep, live all on my own. I juggle all my own balls. Some days are definitely better than others, but for the most part, I have no relief from this single life. So, as it flies by, instead of counting days on a calendar, I lend the task to something I don't have to juggle.
Say what you will, but the exhilarating feeling that comes from seeing Derek Lam slippers in a clearance bin or finally seeing the sun peek at you after months of a wooden view is definitely unmatched to anything else. So this year, I am going to try to apply these principles to other areas of my life, the main principle being patience.
Every new year brings the same fleeting moments: do this, do that, change this, change that: as soon as possible. With no regard to lasting results, we FLY through our New Year's resolutions: a checklist that doesn't wait for prescribed dates. It's a race to the finish, and oftentimes, we suffer in its path.
So, as crazy as this sounds, I am not going to do this for once. I am going to harness all my willpower, and go with the flow. Follow the unprescribed dates. I'm not going to demand answers just because someone says it's time. I'm not going to rush to change my hair just for a change. I'm not going to talk to someone differently or be a different person because they want me to be. I am going to let life just happen, with the end date directly dependent upon when it just needs to be (I'm talking to you, scaffolding).
I know this really makes no sense to most people, but I will say if you take anything away from this, remember that life is what we make it.
If we make it full of supposed to be's, deadlines and controlled endings, it will never reach the potential it could.
But maybe, just maybe, if we make it full of let's just see what happens, genuine actions and reactions, (and, of course, the MTA's scheduled construction dates), I think we will find that the best part of life is not what we try to fix, start over and fix again, it's what is already there.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Sunday, September 16, 2012
balance and bravery: the new synonym.
Bravery.
I used to think I was so brave. I spat in the face of fear, picked up and moved my life everywhere; searching for balance, strength and happiness, and a life worth living. And then...I found it. Then I lost it again...and now I am wondering what it all even is.
I am beginning to understand that this life worth living isn't as easy as being happy. It isn't as easy as finding a partner to share it with. It isn't as easy as finding an amazing job, apartment, dog, city. This life worth living isn't actually easy at all.
I have learned a lesson the past few days from some old and new(er) friends. What makes life worth living are the hard things. Those things we can't imagine doing, but know we have to. The things that create something known as bravery.
Have you ever had to lose a parent? Have you almost died? Have you stood up to someone you loved so much, that you lost them, and lived to tell about it? Have you chosen to finally restore your own soul over the soul of someone who destroyed you? Have you loved so much it hurts? Have you had the courage to tell someone everything, regardless of the outcome? Have you ever left? Have you ever chased a dream until you caught it? Have you ever jumped without knowing where you were going to land?
These things....these are bravery. Everything I just described is something one of my friends has done or is doing. I never say it, but I am so inspired by their courage and conviction to live life. To search and fight until they've had a life worth living. It's the hardest thing anyone can ever do, and honestly, for some, I don't know even know how they do it.
I think I am learning that with bravery comes balance. Is that all it takes? To be brave; to be really and truly honestly brave in order to have the best possible life?
People tell me all the time how brave I am. How I have no fears and will do anything. Inside I know, that my bravery is only second to those who inspire me to be so brave in the first place.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
My wish has been granted
So it's here. (almost)....The big THREE OH. And you would think, having 11 months, and 30 days to prepare, that I would be ready....
and I am.
in a way.
Surprisingly, as I am facing my last few days in my 20s, my thoughts are not on my lost youth, but really on the rest of my life. Is this normal? Do we have an internal clock that says: "Now you are 30, let the countdown of days left on Earth begin now." Haha, it's a funny thought.
I used to remember thinking how old 30 was. Like, it was ancient. Now I know that my life is just starting...or is it?
This week I have been highly inspired by one of the most fantastic women that lived during our time. Someone who, surprisingly enough wasn't a direct role model to me, until, posthumously, God revealed her to me and taught me so much about this thing we call life.
Nora Ephron was destined to be successful. Following in the footsteps of her parents, who practically paved her way to Hollywood (blessing her with a beautiful gift of words and a good, solid name), she found herself the well received author of everything in her prime: award winning screenplays, movies, books, countless articles. She dispensed her knowledge and spun every one of her life's misfortunes: from 2 divorces to her mother's death, into an art form for the masses.
Then, it was over. As Frank Rich put it, "we took a nap, and she was gone." She died fighting a severe battle with Leukemia, something she lived with for over 6 years, without virtually telling a soul.
For SIX YEARS she kept a terrible, horrible secret. Barely telling her HUSBAND, not telling her children-no one knew. Everyday she woke up and went about her life as usual, while dying. She let her girlfriends call her up and bitch about their jobs, boyfriends, etc. She entertained her children's mild complaints of schoolwork and adulthood, and even when tragedy struck outside hers, she didn't falter-she even reached out to offer up help.
In light of the way her life ended, I think it was the most unselfish act anyone has ever done. Can you imagine? How amazing of a woman do you have to be to not tell anyone you are dying??! To remind your best friend as she is crying about her life, or dissing her job, or being unhappy, that " hello, at least you aren't DYING." Nora Ephron didn't do that-not one single day. Her children and those close to her believe through her unselfishness, they were able to experience Nora as she wanted to be remembered; not fussing over someone who is battling for her life on a daily basis. So her careful balancing act was not only for herself, but for her loved ones as well; and for someone like me; a girl whose only commonality is that she lives in the same neighborhood and shares the same passion for New York and writing. Her unselfish actions have unexpectedly catapulted me into a very unique state as I approach my birthday. I have literally changed the way I think about everything.
EVERYTHING.
Without realizing it, receiving this hearty helping of Perspective has given me the strength, will and grace to transition into my 30s with ease.
Life is so short. It is so short. I never understood it until I realized Nora's story. We can never predict what will happen, and we certainly can't speculate. We only get one life. And we have no idea when it will end.
It's too short to waste it being bitter. Holding grudges. Being sad. Disappointed. Upset. Angry. Anxious. It's too short for regrets, and too short to dwell on coulda woulda shouldas. The best we can do is learn from everything that happens. And live in the moment.
In her later days, Nora would always ask herself: "Am I doing what I really want to be doing?" And if the answer wasn't yes, she would immediately change whatever it was that she didn't want to do. The kicker was: the question wasn't conditional. It wasn't circumstantial (who really wants to spend a Monday afternoon doing Chemo treatments?) It's about your heart. Am I living life the way I want? Am I doing what I want to do? Am I leaving the kind of impression I want to leave? Can I be proud of what I am leaving on this earth? It's this kind of perspective on one's life that moves mountains, opens doors and changes lives.
Am I doing what I really want to be doing? Are you?
Currently, I'm writing. So the answer for me is a resounding yes.
Yes.
It's the best answer a girl in her thirties could hope for. Thanks for the perspective, Nora. Hats off from yet another someone whose life has been changed by you.
and I am.
in a way.
Surprisingly, as I am facing my last few days in my 20s, my thoughts are not on my lost youth, but really on the rest of my life. Is this normal? Do we have an internal clock that says: "Now you are 30, let the countdown of days left on Earth begin now." Haha, it's a funny thought.
I used to remember thinking how old 30 was. Like, it was ancient. Now I know that my life is just starting...or is it?
This week I have been highly inspired by one of the most fantastic women that lived during our time. Someone who, surprisingly enough wasn't a direct role model to me, until, posthumously, God revealed her to me and taught me so much about this thing we call life.
Nora Ephron was destined to be successful. Following in the footsteps of her parents, who practically paved her way to Hollywood (blessing her with a beautiful gift of words and a good, solid name), she found herself the well received author of everything in her prime: award winning screenplays, movies, books, countless articles. She dispensed her knowledge and spun every one of her life's misfortunes: from 2 divorces to her mother's death, into an art form for the masses.
Then, it was over. As Frank Rich put it, "we took a nap, and she was gone." She died fighting a severe battle with Leukemia, something she lived with for over 6 years, without virtually telling a soul.
For SIX YEARS she kept a terrible, horrible secret. Barely telling her HUSBAND, not telling her children-no one knew. Everyday she woke up and went about her life as usual, while dying. She let her girlfriends call her up and bitch about their jobs, boyfriends, etc. She entertained her children's mild complaints of schoolwork and adulthood, and even when tragedy struck outside hers, she didn't falter-she even reached out to offer up help.
In light of the way her life ended, I think it was the most unselfish act anyone has ever done. Can you imagine? How amazing of a woman do you have to be to not tell anyone you are dying??! To remind your best friend as she is crying about her life, or dissing her job, or being unhappy, that " hello, at least you aren't DYING." Nora Ephron didn't do that-not one single day. Her children and those close to her believe through her unselfishness, they were able to experience Nora as she wanted to be remembered; not fussing over someone who is battling for her life on a daily basis. So her careful balancing act was not only for herself, but for her loved ones as well; and for someone like me; a girl whose only commonality is that she lives in the same neighborhood and shares the same passion for New York and writing. Her unselfish actions have unexpectedly catapulted me into a very unique state as I approach my birthday. I have literally changed the way I think about everything.
EVERYTHING.
Without realizing it, receiving this hearty helping of Perspective has given me the strength, will and grace to transition into my 30s with ease.
Life is so short. It is so short. I never understood it until I realized Nora's story. We can never predict what will happen, and we certainly can't speculate. We only get one life. And we have no idea when it will end.
It's too short to waste it being bitter. Holding grudges. Being sad. Disappointed. Upset. Angry. Anxious. It's too short for regrets, and too short to dwell on coulda woulda shouldas. The best we can do is learn from everything that happens. And live in the moment.
In her later days, Nora would always ask herself: "Am I doing what I really want to be doing?" And if the answer wasn't yes, she would immediately change whatever it was that she didn't want to do. The kicker was: the question wasn't conditional. It wasn't circumstantial (who really wants to spend a Monday afternoon doing Chemo treatments?) It's about your heart. Am I living life the way I want? Am I doing what I want to do? Am I leaving the kind of impression I want to leave? Can I be proud of what I am leaving on this earth? It's this kind of perspective on one's life that moves mountains, opens doors and changes lives.
Am I doing what I really want to be doing? Are you?
Currently, I'm writing. So the answer for me is a resounding yes.
Yes.
It's the best answer a girl in her thirties could hope for. Thanks for the perspective, Nora. Hats off from yet another someone whose life has been changed by you.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
celebrate you.
Lesson number 2: Celebrate your accomplishments.
I know this seems like a "duh" moment sort of post, but you would be amazed at how many people fail to recognize their own greatness.
I spent my weekend celebrating a friend's great achievement: graduating High School. A feat I accomplished literally 11 years ago. Let me just tell you, going to a Graduation is a lot like going to a wedding; you end up thinking about yourself; reflecting on your experiences and life. I found myself asking, if I could switch places and be here again, would I? Knowing what I know now, would I want it all in front of me again? If I did, what would I change? Everything? Nothing? And then I realized I was missing the point.
We have this one life; and all the things we do in it determines who we are and ultimately how our lives unfold. We can't spend these moments wishing we had done something differently; we have to just celebrate all that we do, which makes us who we are. It's not about rewriting your past, or about empty "coulda woulda shouldas", It's about celebrating the accomplishments you have achieved; perfect or not.
Graduating High School. Losing weight. Getting married. Getting your dream job (or 5 of them). Finding yourself. Finding Love. Making a discovery. Graduating College. Getting your Master's. Having a baby. Raising a family. Surviving everyday at work. Risking your life for your country. Contributing to Society. Rising above your life predictions. Understanding your loved one. Realizing every action you take changes you into something slightly different than before said action.
These are all accomplishments. All different and yet necessary in their own right. Life goes so fast, if you don't take the time to appreciate all that you do to make it your own life, you risk ending up with a life full of regret. And we all have achieved way too much for that.
I know this seems like a "duh" moment sort of post, but you would be amazed at how many people fail to recognize their own greatness.
I spent my weekend celebrating a friend's great achievement: graduating High School. A feat I accomplished literally 11 years ago. Let me just tell you, going to a Graduation is a lot like going to a wedding; you end up thinking about yourself; reflecting on your experiences and life. I found myself asking, if I could switch places and be here again, would I? Knowing what I know now, would I want it all in front of me again? If I did, what would I change? Everything? Nothing? And then I realized I was missing the point.
We have this one life; and all the things we do in it determines who we are and ultimately how our lives unfold. We can't spend these moments wishing we had done something differently; we have to just celebrate all that we do, which makes us who we are. It's not about rewriting your past, or about empty "coulda woulda shouldas", It's about celebrating the accomplishments you have achieved; perfect or not.
Graduating High School. Losing weight. Getting married. Getting your dream job (or 5 of them). Finding yourself. Finding Love. Making a discovery. Graduating College. Getting your Master's. Having a baby. Raising a family. Surviving everyday at work. Risking your life for your country. Contributing to Society. Rising above your life predictions. Understanding your loved one. Realizing every action you take changes you into something slightly different than before said action.
These are all accomplishments. All different and yet necessary in their own right. Life goes so fast, if you don't take the time to appreciate all that you do to make it your own life, you risk ending up with a life full of regret. And we all have achieved way too much for that.
Friday, June 1, 2012
A patient of patience.
Well, if you can believe it, It is almost 3 months to the day that I will be....can I say it??? The big three -OH. In a lot of ways, I feel like my life has been leading up to this moment for my entire existence. (Not to be too dramatic or anything.)
With a mere 90 days left in my 20s, I have decided to begin a sort of reflection on all that I have learned throughout the years. Just a journal; a tiny contribution of a life lived (so far) with tons of adventures and even more mistakes.
The lesson harping on me as of late is that tricky little lesson of being patient. Waiting for the right time that everything simply comes together. I am reminded by one of my favorite Bible passages, found in Ecclesiastes: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven..." Wow, is this not the most truthful statement ever uttered???
Life is all about timing. I have spent over half of mine in the wrong timing; not being patient to wait for what was meant to happen. To wait until I had gained more experience, to wait until I got to know the guy better, to wait until the light turned green. Just wait; trust that feeling deep in your heart; and to listen to it. To wait even when things are hard; or when they don't seem to make sense.
And guess what? It's a lesson I am still learning. My approach to life has always been a bit unorthodox; (something I am proud of and refuse to apologize for) when I want to do something, and it seems pretty fruitful and possible, I just go ahead and do it. It's a bit of an impulsive life version of Russian Roulette.
But then...something happened. I ran out of patience. I took one too many risks, and ended up having to move back in with my parents and lost everything. If I had only waited a bit longer....
But I have to remember, the lesson I am sharing is not one of regret, but of reflection.
Patience sometimes means sticking it out, even if I don't want to. Even if there is $450 million dollars on number 36 and I am committed to 32; staying on 32 is the ultimate challenge and true test of patience. (A roulette analogy for those of you who love it as much as me). Patience teaches virtute. It develops calmness, and helps keep you centered. It also teaches you how to control the crazy. It forces you to reflect within yourself while staying in one place; and to recognize that my time will come. Basically, for a mover like me, until some hard lessons were learned, patience was my kryptonite.
So how is this lesson faring as of late? Currently, I am testing myself to the capacity I never knew I could. I am actually, as we speak, learning this lesson of patience...I AM STAYING PUT...and guess what? I am SURVIVING.
So that's it. It will definitely be a lesson that will reach new highs and lows, especially as I continue to experience so many amazing things that life has to offer, but for me, patience has a new place in my life. Just one reason turning 30 won't be a total loss. (hopefully there will be about 90 more...)
With a mere 90 days left in my 20s, I have decided to begin a sort of reflection on all that I have learned throughout the years. Just a journal; a tiny contribution of a life lived (so far) with tons of adventures and even more mistakes.
The lesson harping on me as of late is that tricky little lesson of being patient. Waiting for the right time that everything simply comes together. I am reminded by one of my favorite Bible passages, found in Ecclesiastes: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven..." Wow, is this not the most truthful statement ever uttered???
Life is all about timing. I have spent over half of mine in the wrong timing; not being patient to wait for what was meant to happen. To wait until I had gained more experience, to wait until I got to know the guy better, to wait until the light turned green. Just wait; trust that feeling deep in your heart; and to listen to it. To wait even when things are hard; or when they don't seem to make sense.
And guess what? It's a lesson I am still learning. My approach to life has always been a bit unorthodox; (something I am proud of and refuse to apologize for) when I want to do something, and it seems pretty fruitful and possible, I just go ahead and do it. It's a bit of an impulsive life version of Russian Roulette.
But then...something happened. I ran out of patience. I took one too many risks, and ended up having to move back in with my parents and lost everything. If I had only waited a bit longer....
But I have to remember, the lesson I am sharing is not one of regret, but of reflection.
Patience sometimes means sticking it out, even if I don't want to. Even if there is $450 million dollars on number 36 and I am committed to 32; staying on 32 is the ultimate challenge and true test of patience. (A roulette analogy for those of you who love it as much as me). Patience teaches virtute. It develops calmness, and helps keep you centered. It also teaches you how to control the crazy. It forces you to reflect within yourself while staying in one place; and to recognize that my time will come. Basically, for a mover like me, until some hard lessons were learned, patience was my kryptonite.
So how is this lesson faring as of late? Currently, I am testing myself to the capacity I never knew I could. I am actually, as we speak, learning this lesson of patience...I AM STAYING PUT...and guess what? I am SURVIVING.
So that's it. It will definitely be a lesson that will reach new highs and lows, especially as I continue to experience so many amazing things that life has to offer, but for me, patience has a new place in my life. Just one reason turning 30 won't be a total loss. (hopefully there will be about 90 more...)
Friday, July 8, 2011
Can I get off now: Riding the emotional rollercoaster.
I haven't written in ages...literally. So much has happened that I cannot even begin to recap; honestly I feel like a different person (and NOT in a good way.)
Do you ever just wonder how the hell you got to where you are?? Like, we make a million decisions, everyday. We actively participate in our lives, navigating and trying to make it all we dreamed of. Then...life gets in the way. I don't really even know how to explain it- I have spent a decade trying to describe the void that comes from having a life that doesn't match my dreams, and living with the fact that it never really will.
So my new quest in life was to really figure it all out. If you read my last blog, I was going to take the "road less traveled" and make a decision to try to get to know me; and discover what I want from this ever fleeting thing we call life. Let me just say, I haven't gotten that far. (unless you consider the road less traveled moving back in with your parents and putting your entire existence on hold). How is it going, you ask? Well to give you a little insight, I don't even wear makeup anymore. Not that that matters, but it is probably more symbolic than I would like to admit. I miss everything I never had in my previous life. Does that make sense? I miss the idea of my past, but the reality of it was not so great. Do you think we all do that? Miss what was never really there??
I am so terrified. I have no idea what comes next. I am stuck in a REEEALLY unproductive and almost paralyzing place: emotionally and physically.
I've always been one of those people that always had something up her sleeve. I always had a bigger plan, and by the grace of God and my sheer will, they always happened exactly as I planned...then one day, I went and changed it all. I decided that my plan was going to leave me homeless and jobless so I got out when I could..or so I thought. Which brings me to my current state. Where is that exactly? I have no fucking clue.
I have been searching my soul for a few months now, trying to make sense of all of this chaos I have brought upon myself, and I am discovering that I am missing two main components: Inner peace and joy.
Having inner peace and true, unadulterated joy is, in my opinion the golden ticket. They are the key to life. In this insane crazy, dishonest and horrifying world, if you have these things, you can be a rock. Whether you are in New York City, Paris or Fort Worth, without peace and joy, you won't get very far.
Wow, I think I just realized the magnitude of what I just said.
I have traveled the world, and lived in, well, quite a few places, and I am discovering that in all my adventures, I think I was missing this. Peace and Joy are the difference between actively living a life you choose and just surviving a life you don't really know you are choosing. Not that I am Buddha or anything, but I am learning that what my life has been missing isn't something physical, it's something that comes from within.
Inner Peace.
Peace that resonates so deeply it can bring you to your knees and gives you a security you never thought possible. No matter what storm rages outside or within, you have a calm peace that can get you through anything...and that knowledge in of itself takes away about 90% of turmoil.
Joy.
I like to describe joy as happiness on holiday. Joy has no conditions isn't really physically based, knows no boundaries, and never really leaves. Joy doesn't come from anything but a heart and spirit so full that it literally overflows. When you have joy from within, your soul is always smiling.
Joy is one I am still working on. (okay, let's face it, I am working on both, but whatever!) Despite all the yoga I am doing, I am finding it so difficult to be truly joyful. Right now being joyful consists of praying (a lot), and being grateful for what I have in my life. My biggest problem (as it's always been) is not letting other people bring me down. This, I am sorely afraid, will always be my challenge.
So that's it. I gave it all up to discover that in order to truly understand, appreciate and KEEP my journey my own is to look within. No, it's not glamorous, it's not fabulous or pretty. It doesn't look good on paper and it certainly won't be good for my resume, but I think the day I decided my soul, my heart, my GUTS were more important than being who EVERYONE ELSE said I would be, I made the first step to becoming the person I said I would be. And now I am. (Well, I am at least in the right direction).
So THIS is my life, now....here's hoping.
Do you ever just wonder how the hell you got to where you are?? Like, we make a million decisions, everyday. We actively participate in our lives, navigating and trying to make it all we dreamed of. Then...life gets in the way. I don't really even know how to explain it- I have spent a decade trying to describe the void that comes from having a life that doesn't match my dreams, and living with the fact that it never really will.
So my new quest in life was to really figure it all out. If you read my last blog, I was going to take the "road less traveled" and make a decision to try to get to know me; and discover what I want from this ever fleeting thing we call life. Let me just say, I haven't gotten that far. (unless you consider the road less traveled moving back in with your parents and putting your entire existence on hold). How is it going, you ask? Well to give you a little insight, I don't even wear makeup anymore. Not that that matters, but it is probably more symbolic than I would like to admit. I miss everything I never had in my previous life. Does that make sense? I miss the idea of my past, but the reality of it was not so great. Do you think we all do that? Miss what was never really there??
I am so terrified. I have no idea what comes next. I am stuck in a REEEALLY unproductive and almost paralyzing place: emotionally and physically.
I've always been one of those people that always had something up her sleeve. I always had a bigger plan, and by the grace of God and my sheer will, they always happened exactly as I planned...then one day, I went and changed it all. I decided that my plan was going to leave me homeless and jobless so I got out when I could..or so I thought. Which brings me to my current state. Where is that exactly? I have no fucking clue.
I have been searching my soul for a few months now, trying to make sense of all of this chaos I have brought upon myself, and I am discovering that I am missing two main components: Inner peace and joy.
Having inner peace and true, unadulterated joy is, in my opinion the golden ticket. They are the key to life. In this insane crazy, dishonest and horrifying world, if you have these things, you can be a rock. Whether you are in New York City, Paris or Fort Worth, without peace and joy, you won't get very far.
Wow, I think I just realized the magnitude of what I just said.
I have traveled the world, and lived in, well, quite a few places, and I am discovering that in all my adventures, I think I was missing this. Peace and Joy are the difference between actively living a life you choose and just surviving a life you don't really know you are choosing. Not that I am Buddha or anything, but I am learning that what my life has been missing isn't something physical, it's something that comes from within.
Inner Peace.
Peace that resonates so deeply it can bring you to your knees and gives you a security you never thought possible. No matter what storm rages outside or within, you have a calm peace that can get you through anything...and that knowledge in of itself takes away about 90% of turmoil.
Joy.
I like to describe joy as happiness on holiday. Joy has no conditions isn't really physically based, knows no boundaries, and never really leaves. Joy doesn't come from anything but a heart and spirit so full that it literally overflows. When you have joy from within, your soul is always smiling.
Joy is one I am still working on. (okay, let's face it, I am working on both, but whatever!) Despite all the yoga I am doing, I am finding it so difficult to be truly joyful. Right now being joyful consists of praying (a lot), and being grateful for what I have in my life. My biggest problem (as it's always been) is not letting other people bring me down. This, I am sorely afraid, will always be my challenge.
So that's it. I gave it all up to discover that in order to truly understand, appreciate and KEEP my journey my own is to look within. No, it's not glamorous, it's not fabulous or pretty. It doesn't look good on paper and it certainly won't be good for my resume, but I think the day I decided my soul, my heart, my GUTS were more important than being who EVERYONE ELSE said I would be, I made the first step to becoming the person I said I would be. And now I am. (Well, I am at least in the right direction).
So THIS is my life, now....here's hoping.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Aaaaand...end scene.
I'm having one of those final scene movie days. One movie in particular: Prime. (warning, I have tweaked the ending to suit my situation...it is not completely accurate!) With Rachel yamagata playing in the background, we pan onto to a scene in a small, cozily lit manhattan restaurant. At long table, we see a man (tweaking slightly for gender respect), surrounded by friends. As the camera pans out, we realize we are viewing this scene through the eyes of our brave heroine. Once upon a time, these two people, now Newly strangers in the city of 8 million stories, were madly in love. You can't really remember what happened or why they aren't together anymore, but it is clear both have moved on. Despite the slow, sappy music playing and the major mood lighting, the scene isn't particularly sad. In fact, it's actually quite hopeful. You see the woman's face, and you know the entire tale that brought her to that moment. She once loved this man, so much she thought it was forever, but chose to move on because of a whole bunch of reasons that may or may not even matter. Even though a dark street without wine and friends may seem like the sadder version, she actually embraces the road less traveled. She had made a difficult decision: to dare that something better was out there for her. So with her sad and hopeful music, she sets off alone, to her world where anything is possible. And while there may always be a longing to be on the other side of the wall, (the one with the wine and friends) it's not enough to compromise the possibility of living to the fullest...whatever that decision may mean.
We all have choices. Every choice we make and have made, has brought every single one of us exactly where we are, this moment. (for me its people watching at the Starbucks on lex and 77th). Choices can be easy or they can be difficult. My choices, as of late, have proven to be the latter. But like my heroine in my final scene movie, I'm daring to discover what life holds for me when I decide to just jump off. A part of me wants to be inside the restaurant, safe and unchanging, but the bigger part of me wants to discover what the rest of the world (physically, spiritually, emotionally and hypothetically speaking) outside has to offer. So even though there is sad music playing, my scene is actually hopeful. So yeah...I'm having one of those final scene movie days...remember there is life after the credits.
We all have choices. Every choice we make and have made, has brought every single one of us exactly where we are, this moment. (for me its people watching at the Starbucks on lex and 77th). Choices can be easy or they can be difficult. My choices, as of late, have proven to be the latter. But like my heroine in my final scene movie, I'm daring to discover what life holds for me when I decide to just jump off. A part of me wants to be inside the restaurant, safe and unchanging, but the bigger part of me wants to discover what the rest of the world (physically, spiritually, emotionally and hypothetically speaking) outside has to offer. So even though there is sad music playing, my scene is actually hopeful. So yeah...I'm having one of those final scene movie days...remember there is life after the credits.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
