Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving.

It's the holiday that (obviously) celebrates all we are thankful for.

Giving thanks.

Thanks to God. Thanks to our family. Our friends. Thanks. So, how do we give Thanks amidst a tragedy? Surely we can't be thankful for bad things happening; especially when they happen on the day (or pretty close to it) we celebrate this holiday.

I lost my nephew.

Such a precious life; taken from this earth before he even got to experience it. The past 4 days have seemed like some horrible foggy nightmare that I can't shake. Like I am trying to desperately wake up but can't.

I can't be angry. I can't ask why. Anger doesn't come from love. And when I think about Xander, even now, all I see is love and peace. He doesn't know anger, so why should I? We don't know the answers, and I don't know if we ever will.

For some reason, on this windy Thanksgiving, all I can feel is peace. To be completely honest, it's actually quite surprising. Because I am mad. I am mad that he won't get to experience the life he was meant to. I am mad he won't get to ride a bike. Walk in the sand. See a sunset that will bring him to tears. Fall in love. It just crushes me. Literally crushes.

Yet, I still just feel peace. The only explanation is that the peace and love I feel from such an unimaginably horrifying occurrence is that it's not from me at all. It's from God. (and Xander of course, because he is in heaven with God).

Doesn't that just give you chills? Amidst all of the anger, sadness, nonsense, toxicity...I am still able to feel wrapped in peace and love.

So here it is. My thanks this year is twofold.

I'm giving thanks to my nephew, Xander, in heaven with God. For reminding me that peace not only comes from within-it's not just up to me to find it (because believe me, I don't know if I would). It comes from faith. A faith in God that is insurmountably huge. That no matter what, peace brings a serenity that is no match for anger, sadness and darkness. It pales in comparison. That peace will live on long after our bodies are gone.

Peace is also accompanied by love. This thanks really goes to God again, but in the form of 2 people that, in the past 4 days have completely embodied every love you ever read about in the Bible, fairytales, Shakespeare, or seen in any movie. The kind of love that moves mountains. I know their love made Xander, and was a foundation for him to grow and become the beautiful soul he is, but the love I am talking about is the love that is still here, after God called Xander to Him. The love that was left. In every word, every touch, every tear...the love grows deeper and deeper.

I wish I could take the love that I feel, see and almost touch between these two souls. I want to take it, wrap it with a glittering ribbon, and give it to every person that has never felt this kind of love. With Xander's tragic life ending, in his place he gave his parents the gift of an unbreakable love.

I can't think of anything more unbelieveable to be Thankful to our Heavenly Father this year. Forget everything else. I can't believe God chose me to be a part of such an amazing experience. I will forever be changed by the love and peace I feel. I knew he would, but Xander gave me a gift bigger than anything I could imagine. I just hope I don't let him down because it's my job to embody this spirit of love and peace that I have witnessed for the rest of my days.


My prayer is that you may someday feel the kind of peace Xander has given me, and the kind of love that he has given his parents. Isn't God amazing?

Happy Thanksgiving.

dedicated to:

xander raddon swegel

11/24/2013

Merry-go-round, round, round, round....

Life.

I don't really have any of it figured out. I turned 31. Am I supposed to be any further along? Let's check the evidence:

Relationship with God? Yep
Married? Nope
Children? Nope
Homeowner? Nope
Significant other? Nope
401K? Nope-ish
Loving friends and family? Yep
Expensive shoes? YEP (okay I made that one up)

Okay so there it is. I have 3 out of 8. Granted, I have the most important one (no not the shoes). But if I were a fraction on Sesame Street, The Count would totally have me pegged.

Maybe I should be looking to an older post, even (gasp) my entries on myspace for an answer. It seems...I deal with the same reoccurring themes in my life. Maybe we all do. Over and over, round and round...like a carousel.

My childhood merry-go-round experience was always the same. I always, always, always was drawn to the pink and blue pearlescent horses. The raised ones (some horses are "down" and others are "up"), with their "manes" wild and free, with some sort of gorgeous bow tied in it or on it. The second I spotted one, I was a goner everytime. With a gold, pink or other color saddle I would literally RUN to the horse the second I was allowed to get on, completely sure that every kid was running to the same gorgeous horse as mine. (Clearly I didn't get the memo that the most coveted was that sweet little carriage/sled that was actually comfortable to sit in.) As a younger child, my dad would come with me and stand behind me the whole time. I would saddle up, hang onto the brass pole and perch. My favorite thing to do would be to either look at myself in the mirror opposite of me on the carousel (duh) or stare at the crowd looking for a familiar face; a friend, parent, dog or anyone who was surely captivated by this beautiful princess (me) sitting atop my gorgeous unicorn-esque horse.

Surprisingly, I didn't ever get sick (well, I don't think I did...). But, as time usually does, it went on, and I grew older. Eventually, I quit riding the merry-go-round. In fact, I haven't ridden one in years. There was once that time in Bryant Park where I had a nostalgic whim to saddle up and quickly changed my mind when I literally thought I was going to be airborne as the carousel cranked up. So that was it. Chapter over, door closed.

Well for those of you who don't know, I am a professional caretaker. My Merry-go-Round days are just getting started. Not that I have had to face one quite yet, but I know it's coming. The other day however, I was with my best friend and we were actually discussing Carousels (you should hear our conversations when we are drunk)! And I guess, I have been thinking about them ever since.

I mean that's what life is, isn't it? It's like this huge merry-go-round. I am talking HUGE. We all start at different points, getting on at different places, finding a comfortable place to stay as we hang on like hell, hoping we survive. Every rotation is like a year. It never stops. And we never get off.

What I wonder is this: how many of us on this carousel of life do what I did when I was little? How many of us look to the outside, other circumstances, to keep us going around; to keep us moving? Or look beside them, trying to see how they look instead of what they are actually doing?

Clearly I am a victim of it. In this current 31st year of my life, I perpetuate the majority of my decisions on outside factors: who is saying what, who is doing what, who is choosing what....I look so hard to see what is going on around me that I don't realize the horse I am sitting on is rusting. It could literally be disintegrating right in front of me and I am busy looking outside to try and fulfill my aforementioned checklist instead of appreciating the splendor I should be enjoying (or deterioration).

If only we looked down. Looked within. Stopped worrying about the outside. And listened to ourselves. I wonder what would happen. Would we get more attention? Less motion sickness? Less worried? I'll tell you one thing, I am tired of trying to find people in the crowd. I am so sick of looking in that mirror behind me, paranoid about all it says about me.

I want to notice the paint chips on my horse. Feel the breeze on my cheeks as the carousel makes its way around yet another New York autumn. Catch the glitter of the paint on my horse's ribbon in the glint of the sunlight. I want to look up and be totally surprised.

It all sounds so simple I know. But isn't simplicity something we all strive for? It's time to look within. Since we are stuck on the merry-go-round anyway, we should just try, just for fun, to make the most of it. Stop worrying about what's going on around us, behind us, or even reflecting right in front of us. Live in the moment. Truly live. Live on that carousel and hang on like hell. Or don't. Let go, but find yourself right where you should be: in the moment. That's all we can ask for.

And it's just a little something I'm working on.

Bright lights....big reality check

Neon.

Have you ever heard this song by John Mayer? It used to be my FAVORITE. I identified so much with the woman he described:

"She comes and she goes like no one can. She comes and she goes...she's slipping through my hands she's always buzzing just like neon. Who knows how long she can go before she finds her way."

This was my secret mantra. I would listen to this song and pine away and think "this is exactly about me. I am this girl to a T. One day, he is gonna sing this to me."

Well needless to say, I gave up waiting on my doorstep for John to show up with a guitar to serenade me ages ago. (Can we say plaaaaayer?!)

The truth is, I embodied and embraced that song because it was who everyone thought I was. And in turn, I became her. The buzzy, unpredictable, shiny neon girl who did everything she wanted. Move here? Yep. Do this? Yep. Quit that? Totally. I mean look at me. On the surface, I'm Miss Neon. I endlessly shine. Never turn off. Never say no. I belong in the big city, glowing away. Bright lights big city? I AM those lights.

I have a confession: somewhere between realistic and relieved, I think my light got inadvertently shut off. Something has shifted. Maybe it's the wisdom that comes with age, or perhaps neon discriminates against 30 plus somethings, but its a good thing because I can't do it anymore.

Neon is fantastic. It's pretty, trendy, bright, happy, fun and honestly has no other purpose but to draw attention to itself (something Mr. Mayer failed to mention).

 Have you ever looked at a neon light up close?? In my old neon life, i would walk past a neon sign shop everyday on my way to the office. Like a moth to a flame, i would be drawn to the window and just stare (as people tend to do with neon). The actual lights are quite frankly, a little freaky. Buzzy, skittish and seemingly uncertain, they actually squirm. It's almost as if all that voltage makes them uncomfortable (and exhausted at that). Why on earth would anyone want to be neon??

I'm not saying I'm a different person. People are always going to look at me. I'm a tall blonde with loud voice and a major presence. Even without makeup and in sneakers I'm not invisible. But I think my transition from neon to....incandescent is that I am ready to allow other people to see my non-neon side. I can't work 100 hours a week. I can't wear perfect makeup everyday. When I leave my dance class, I literally look like I got run over by a tomato truck. I get frustrated and I can't ALWAYS SAY YES. In neon world, I always say yes. I dress like a mega fashionista everyday and every pic I
take is Facebook ready. No one sees me getting sad, angry, upset...it's just pink Barbie.

It's time to embrace incandescence. I know it's definitely going to be an adjustment, but it doesn't mean that I'm losing the neon. Unlike the wonderful world of lighting, we as humans, can actually be both. We can be gorgeous, fun, sexy, unpredictable and also sometimes tired, ugly, with limits, pain and mistakes.

I think I'm learning that's even better---because it's real. So from one neon light to the other, don't be afraid to let your real light shine. You may become brighter than ever.

You can give all your heart, just remember to get it back

So it's no secret that I love Smash. Well, if it was a secret, it isn't anymore. I mean, it's in New York, it's about a musical, there's tons of singing and Marilyn Monroe is often the subject. Enough said. 

So each episode (though there are subplots and tons of stuff going on) always comes back to Marilyn, or the the music or the music inadvertently about Marilyn.

I am not going to delve into one of my many History lessons, but Marilyn Monroe was seriously fucked up. I mean here she was, this gorgeous blonde bombshell, with everything in the world to offer, and yet she was constantly sublimely miserable throughout her entire life. Everyone wanted something from her, and in return, wanted even more. It was take, take take, a long one-way road.

And that's not even talking about the men she was with!

Because she was absolutely gorgeous, Marilyn often found herself the desire of every man in (and out of) her direct path. Like any woman, she used this as her greatest weapon. It made her a star. It made her famous. It made her look like the most successful woman in the world. It made her the envy of every person in America. It made her powerless. Sad. Desperate. Destroyed.

The more she gave, the more she wanted back. She kept thinking that one more kiss would give her the love she was missing. One more night would ensure she would finally feel something. That saying "I Do" would tame her fear of loneliness and she could finally wrap herself in love. 

She never got it.

It's the most tragic part about the whole story. This woman, who couldn't get anymore beautiful, blonde, sexy, seemingly perfect...she literally could not get ANY BRIGHTER, was left to her own devices of emptiness, loneliness and a heart full of sorrow. For all that she gave, she never got anything back.

There was a beautiful song on Smash tonight that eerily echoes how my life has come to be, as of late and really, if I am honest with myself, maybe since the dawn of my time. It's about the men in her life....how she gives it all...she falls everytime, but she's always the only one.

"For the men that I've known

Who have clearly shown

They've been reading him from the start

Cause when it comes to me

Well, their kisses come free

But they never give all the heart"

I could write a novel (and actually am) on the art of being cautious in love. Never trust anyone, especially yourself. Suspect everything. Believe nothing. I could rant for days, and sound like your bitter cynical aunt you only see at family functions that you avoid like the plague. But the thing is, you're gonna do whatever it is you're gonna do. It's like the song goes:

"As the wise man once wrote,

Never give all the heart

Well, it's easy to see

He was writing for me

I just wish I could play that part"

It's the worst part. You know it's wrong, yet you still do it. Like a moth to the flame. So I am not here to tell you to be the strong one. To be guarded and crazy. Let loose. Take a chance, do something you know is wrong. Play the part you know you shouldn't. 

Just hear this part: set limits. If you give and give and you don't get anything back, then you stop. Don't wait until you've given, given, given, given until you've got nothing left. 

I don't really know if this story is gonna end well (Marilyn's certainly didn't), but I do know we should really take a cue from Miss Monroe's tragic life choices. 

Know your limits. And be proud of them. Don't keep giving when you get nothing in return. 

It's not a difficult concept. It's like supply and demand. Hell, our entire country is built on the principle. So why are so many of us willing to compromise everything for nothing? 

That's it. It's not about holding back, or shutting off. It's about giving and getting what you give back. And if you don't, stop giving. That's the lesson Marilyn never got. She never got the memo that she was allowed to stop if she didn't get anything in return. And that's something we all deserve. 

PS, kisses never come free.

Is that scaffolding down yet????

A new year and a new life...that comes every year like clockwork.

So it's another year. I think the saying is something like, "celebrate endings, for they mark new beginnings." For me, celebrating endings has become a religious routine of sorts.

Let me explain. As my co-workers can attest, I measure the passage of time and life in a very peculiar way: through the ending of events, monuments and other happenings set by someone else. For example, when NM/Target launched their new collection for Christmas, it was a set start and end date. My response: "OMG I can't wait til that is over!"

Construction on the 6 train will last from x date through x date? "God, I can't wait til they are finished."

That scaffolding across the street from Bloomingdales? You guessed it, counting the days until it goes down. An observatory habit, I mentally count the passage of time through things that neither directly affect me or are controlled by me.

When you put it that way, it's a little alarming and quite frankly very, very strange. Why should I care? That scaffolding could be up for YEARS. The trains? Forget it, they are NEVER going to be working the right way. In this way of time measurement, time is actually of no essence, and patience is key, for you could literally be waiting your whole life for these events to actually be over.

For another year, here I am. Single, making it on my own in this amazingly creative whirlwind of a city. I work, date, sleep, live all on my own. I juggle all my own balls. Some days are definitely better than others, but for the most part, I have no relief from this single life. So, as it flies by, instead of counting days on a calendar, I lend the task to something I don't have to juggle.

Say what you will, but the exhilarating feeling that comes from seeing Derek Lam slippers in a clearance bin or finally seeing the sun peek at you after months of a wooden view is definitely unmatched to anything else. So this year, I am going to try to apply these principles to other areas of my life, the main principle being patience.

Every new year brings the same fleeting moments: do this, do that, change this, change that: as soon as possible. With no regard to lasting results, we FLY through our New Year's resolutions: a checklist that doesn't wait for prescribed dates. It's a race to the finish, and oftentimes, we suffer in its path.

So, as crazy as this sounds, I am not going to do this for once. I am going to harness all my willpower, and go with the flow. Follow the unprescribed dates. I'm not going to demand answers just because someone says it's time. I'm not going to rush to change my hair just for a change. I'm not going to talk to someone differently or be a different person because they want me to be. I am going to let life just happen, with the end date directly dependent upon when it just needs to be (I'm talking to you, scaffolding).

I know this really makes no sense to most people, but I will say if you take anything away from this, remember that life is what we make it.
If we make it full of supposed to be's, deadlines and controlled endings, it will never reach the potential it could.

But maybe, just maybe, if we make it full of let's just see what happens, genuine actions and reactions, (and, of course, the MTA's scheduled construction dates), I think we will find that the best part of life is not what we try to fix, start over and fix again, it's what is already there.

balance and bravery: the new synonym.

Bravery.

I used to think I was so brave. I spat in the face of fear, picked up and moved my life everywhere; searching for balance, strength and happiness, and a life worth living. And then...I found it. Then I lost it again...and now I am wondering what it all even is.

I am beginning to understand that this life worth living isn't as easy as being happy. It isn't as easy as finding a partner to share it with. It isn't as easy as finding an amazing job, apartment, dog, city. This life worth living isn't actually easy at all.

I have learned a lesson the past few days from some old and new(er) friends. What makes life worth living are the hard things. Those things we can't imagine doing, but know we have to. The things that create something known as bravery.

Have you ever had to lose a parent? Have you almost died? Have you stood up to someone you loved so much, that you lost them, and lived to tell about it? Have you chosen to finally restore your own soul over the soul of someone who destroyed you? Have you loved so much it hurts? Have you had the courage to tell someone everything, regardless of the outcome? Have you ever left? Have you ever chased a dream until you caught it? Have you ever jumped without knowing where you were going to land?

These things....these are bravery.  Everything I just described is something one of my friends has done or is doing. I never say it, but I am so inspired by their courage and conviction to live life. To search and fight until they've had a life worth living. It's the hardest thing anyone can ever do, and honestly, for some, I don't know even know how they do it.

I think I am learning that with bravery comes balance. Is that all it takes? To be brave; to be really and truly honestly brave in order to have the best possible life?

People tell me all the time how brave I am. How I have no fears and will do anything. Inside I know, that my bravery is only second to those who inspire me to be so brave in the first place.

My wish has been granted

So it's here. (almost)....The big THREE OH. And you would think, having 11 months, and 30 days to prepare, that I would be ready....

and I am.


in a way.


Surprisingly, as I am facing my last few days in my 20s, my thoughts are not on my lost youth, but really on the rest of my life. Is this normal? Do we have an internal clock that says: "Now you are 30, let the countdown of days left on Earth begin now." Haha, it's a funny thought.

I used to remember thinking how old 30 was. Like, it was ancient. Now I know that my life is just starting...or is it?

This week I have been highly inspired by one of the most fantastic women that lived during our time. Someone who, surprisingly enough wasn't a direct role model to me, until, posthumously, God revealed her to me and taught me so much about this thing we call life.

Nora Ephron was destined to be successful. Following in the footsteps of her parents, who practically paved her way to Hollywood (blessing her with a beautiful gift of words and a good, solid name), she found herself the well received author of everything in her prime: award winning screenplays, movies, books, countless articles. She dispensed  her knowledge and spun every one of her life's misfortunes: from 2 divorces to her mother's death, into an art form for the masses.

Then, it was over. As Frank Rich put it, "we took a nap, and she was gone." She died fighting a severe battle with Leukemia, something she lived with for over 6 years, without virtually telling a soul.

For SIX YEARS she kept a terrible, horrible secret. Barely telling her HUSBAND, not telling her children-no one knew. Everyday she woke up and went about her life as usual, while dying. She let her girlfriends call her up and bitch about their jobs, boyfriends, etc. She entertained her children's mild complaints of schoolwork and adulthood, and even when tragedy struck outside hers, she didn't falter-she even reached out to offer up help.

 In light of the way her life ended, I think it was the most unselfish act anyone has ever done. Can you imagine? How amazing of a woman do you have to be to not tell anyone you are dying??! To remind your best friend as she is crying about her life, or dissing her job, or being unhappy, that " hello, at least you aren't DYING." Nora Ephron didn't do that-not one single day. Her children and those close to her believe through her unselfishness, they were able to experience Nora as she wanted to be remembered; not fussing over someone who is battling for her life on a daily basis. So her careful balancing act was not only for herself, but for her loved ones as well; and for someone like me; a girl whose only commonality is that she lives in the same neighborhood and shares the same passion for New York and writing. Her unselfish actions have unexpectedly catapulted me into a very unique state as I approach my birthday. I have literally changed the way I think about everything.

EVERYTHING.

Without realizing it, receiving this hearty helping of Perspective has given me the strength, will and grace to transition into my 30s with ease.

Life is so short. It is so short. I never understood it until I realized Nora's story. We can never predict what will happen, and we certainly can't speculate. We only get one life. And we have no idea when it will end.

It's too short to waste it being bitter. Holding grudges. Being sad. Disappointed. Upset. Angry. Anxious. It's too short for regrets, and too short to dwell on coulda woulda shouldas.  The best we can do is learn from everything that happens. And live in the moment.

In her later days, Nora would always ask herself: "Am I doing what I really want to be doing?" And if the answer wasn't yes, she would immediately change whatever it was that she didn't want to do. The kicker was: the question wasn't conditional. It wasn't circumstantial (who really wants to spend a Monday afternoon doing Chemo treatments?) It's about your heart. Am I living life the way I want? Am I doing what I want to do?  Am I leaving the kind of impression I want to leave? Can I be proud of what I am leaving on this earth? It's this kind of perspective on one's life that moves mountains, opens doors and changes lives.

Am I doing what I really want to be doing? Are you?

 Currently, I'm writing. So the answer for me is a resounding yes.

Yes.

It's the best answer a girl in her thirties could hope for. Thanks for the perspective, Nora. Hats off from yet another someone whose life has been changed by you.