My wish has been granted

So it's here. (almost)....The big THREE OH. And you would think, having 11 months, and 30 days to prepare, that I would be ready....

and I am.


in a way.


Surprisingly, as I am facing my last few days in my 20s, my thoughts are not on my lost youth, but really on the rest of my life. Is this normal? Do we have an internal clock that says: "Now you are 30, let the countdown of days left on Earth begin now." Haha, it's a funny thought.

I used to remember thinking how old 30 was. Like, it was ancient. Now I know that my life is just starting...or is it?

This week I have been highly inspired by one of the most fantastic women that lived during our time. Someone who, surprisingly enough wasn't a direct role model to me, until, posthumously, God revealed her to me and taught me so much about this thing we call life.

Nora Ephron was destined to be successful. Following in the footsteps of her parents, who practically paved her way to Hollywood (blessing her with a beautiful gift of words and a good, solid name), she found herself the well received author of everything in her prime: award winning screenplays, movies, books, countless articles. She dispensed  her knowledge and spun every one of her life's misfortunes: from 2 divorces to her mother's death, into an art form for the masses.

Then, it was over. As Frank Rich put it, "we took a nap, and she was gone." She died fighting a severe battle with Leukemia, something she lived with for over 6 years, without virtually telling a soul.

For SIX YEARS she kept a terrible, horrible secret. Barely telling her HUSBAND, not telling her children-no one knew. Everyday she woke up and went about her life as usual, while dying. She let her girlfriends call her up and bitch about their jobs, boyfriends, etc. She entertained her children's mild complaints of schoolwork and adulthood, and even when tragedy struck outside hers, she didn't falter-she even reached out to offer up help.

 In light of the way her life ended, I think it was the most unselfish act anyone has ever done. Can you imagine? How amazing of a woman do you have to be to not tell anyone you are dying??! To remind your best friend as she is crying about her life, or dissing her job, or being unhappy, that " hello, at least you aren't DYING." Nora Ephron didn't do that-not one single day. Her children and those close to her believe through her unselfishness, they were able to experience Nora as she wanted to be remembered; not fussing over someone who is battling for her life on a daily basis. So her careful balancing act was not only for herself, but for her loved ones as well; and for someone like me; a girl whose only commonality is that she lives in the same neighborhood and shares the same passion for New York and writing. Her unselfish actions have unexpectedly catapulted me into a very unique state as I approach my birthday. I have literally changed the way I think about everything.

EVERYTHING.

Without realizing it, receiving this hearty helping of Perspective has given me the strength, will and grace to transition into my 30s with ease.

Life is so short. It is so short. I never understood it until I realized Nora's story. We can never predict what will happen, and we certainly can't speculate. We only get one life. And we have no idea when it will end.

It's too short to waste it being bitter. Holding grudges. Being sad. Disappointed. Upset. Angry. Anxious. It's too short for regrets, and too short to dwell on coulda woulda shouldas.  The best we can do is learn from everything that happens. And live in the moment.

In her later days, Nora would always ask herself: "Am I doing what I really want to be doing?" And if the answer wasn't yes, she would immediately change whatever it was that she didn't want to do. The kicker was: the question wasn't conditional. It wasn't circumstantial (who really wants to spend a Monday afternoon doing Chemo treatments?) It's about your heart. Am I living life the way I want? Am I doing what I want to do?  Am I leaving the kind of impression I want to leave? Can I be proud of what I am leaving on this earth? It's this kind of perspective on one's life that moves mountains, opens doors and changes lives.

Am I doing what I really want to be doing? Are you?

 Currently, I'm writing. So the answer for me is a resounding yes.

Yes.

It's the best answer a girl in her thirties could hope for. Thanks for the perspective, Nora. Hats off from yet another someone whose life has been changed by you.

celebrate you.

Lesson number 2: Celebrate your accomplishments.

I know this seems like a "duh" moment sort of post, but you would be amazed at how many people fail to recognize their own greatness.

I spent my weekend celebrating a friend's great achievement: graduating High School. A feat I accomplished literally 11 years ago. Let me just tell you, going to a Graduation is a lot like going to a wedding; you end up thinking about yourself; reflecting on your experiences and life. I found myself asking, if I could switch places and be here again, would I? Knowing what I know now, would I want it all in front of me again? If I did, what would I change? Everything? Nothing? And then I realized I was missing the point.

We have this one life; and all the things we do in it determines who we are and ultimately how our lives unfold. We can't spend these moments wishing we had done something differently; we have to just celebrate all that we do, which makes us who we are. It's not about rewriting your past, or about empty "coulda woulda shouldas", It's about celebrating the accomplishments you have achieved; perfect or not.

Graduating High School. Losing weight. Getting married. Getting your dream job (or 5 of them). Finding yourself. Finding Love. Making a discovery. Graduating College. Getting your Master's. Having a baby. Raising a family. Surviving everyday at work. Risking your life for your country. Contributing to Society. Rising above your life predictions.  Understanding your loved one. Realizing every action you take changes you into something slightly different than before said action.

These are all accomplishments. All different and yet necessary in their own right. Life goes so fast, if you don't take the time to appreciate all that you do to make it your own life, you risk ending up with a life full of regret. And we all have achieved way too much for that.

A patient of patience.

Well, if you can believe it, It is almost 3 months to the day that I will be....can I say it??? The big three -OH. In a lot of ways, I feel like my life has been leading up to this moment for my entire existence. (Not to be too dramatic or anything.)

With a mere 90 days left in my 20s, I have decided to begin a sort of reflection on all that I have learned throughout the years. Just a journal; a tiny contribution of a life lived (so far) with tons of adventures and even more mistakes.

The lesson harping on me as of late is that tricky little lesson of being patient. Waiting for the right time that everything simply comes together. I am reminded by one of my favorite Bible passages, found in Ecclesiastes: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven..." Wow, is this not the most truthful statement ever uttered???

Life is all about timing. I  have spent over half of mine in the wrong timing; not being patient to wait for what was meant to happen. To wait until I had gained more experience, to wait until I got to know the guy better, to wait until the light turned green. Just wait; trust that feeling deep in your heart; and to listen to it. To wait even when things are hard; or when they don't seem to make sense.

And guess what? It's a lesson I am still learning. My approach to life has always been a bit unorthodox; (something I am proud of and refuse to apologize for) when I want to do something, and it seems pretty fruitful and possible, I just go ahead and do it. It's a bit of an impulsive life version of Russian Roulette.

But then...something happened. I ran out of patience. I took one too many risks, and ended up having to move back in with my parents and lost everything. If I had only waited a bit longer....
But I have to remember, the lesson I am sharing is not one of regret, but of reflection.

Patience sometimes means sticking it out, even if I don't want to. Even if there is $450 million dollars on number 36 and I am committed to 32; staying on 32 is the ultimate challenge and true test of patience. (A roulette analogy for those of you who love it as much as me). Patience teaches virtute. It develops calmness, and helps keep you centered. It also teaches you how to control the crazy. It forces you to reflect within yourself while staying in one place; and to recognize that my time will come. Basically, for a mover like me, until some hard lessons were learned, patience was my kryptonite.

So how is this lesson faring as of late? Currently, I am testing myself to the capacity I never knew I could. I am actually, as we speak, learning this lesson of patience...I AM STAYING PUT...and guess what? I am SURVIVING.

So that's it. It will definitely be a lesson that will reach new highs and lows, especially as I continue to experience so many amazing things that life has to offer, but for me, patience has a new place in my life. Just one reason turning 30 won't be a total loss. (hopefully there will be about 90 more...)

Can I get off now: Riding the emotional rollercoaster.

I haven't written in ages...literally. So much has happened that I cannot even begin to recap; honestly I feel like a different person (and NOT in a good way.)

Do you ever just wonder how the hell you got to where you are?? Like, we make a million decisions, everyday. We actively participate in our lives, navigating and trying to make it all we dreamed of. Then...life gets in the way. I don't really even know how to explain it- I have spent a decade trying to describe the void that comes from having a life that doesn't match my dreams, and living with the fact that it never really will.

So my new quest in life was to really figure it all out. If you read my last blog, I was going to take the "road less traveled" and make a decision to try to get to know me; and discover what I want from this ever fleeting thing we call life. Let me just say, I haven't gotten that far. (unless you consider the road less traveled moving back in with your parents and putting your entire existence on hold). How is it going, you ask? Well to give you a little insight, I don't even wear makeup anymore. Not that that matters, but it is probably more symbolic than I would like to admit. I miss everything I never had in my previous life. Does that make sense? I miss the idea of my past, but the reality of it was not so great. Do you think we all do that? Miss what was never really there??

I am so terrified. I have no idea what comes next. I am stuck in a REEEALLY unproductive and almost paralyzing place: emotionally and physically.

I've always been one of those people that always had something up her sleeve. I always had a bigger plan, and by the grace of God and my sheer will, they always happened exactly as I planned...then one day, I went and changed it all. I decided that my plan was going to leave me homeless and jobless so I got out when I could..or so I thought. Which brings me to my current state. Where is that exactly? I have no fucking clue.

I have been searching my soul for a few months now, trying to make sense of all of this chaos I have brought upon myself, and I am discovering that I am missing two main components: Inner peace and joy.

Having inner peace and true, unadulterated joy is, in my opinion the golden ticket. They are the key to life. In this insane crazy, dishonest and horrifying world, if you have these things, you can be a rock. Whether you are in New York City, Paris or Fort Worth, without peace and joy, you won't get very far.

Wow, I think I just realized the magnitude of what I just said.

I have traveled the world, and lived in, well, quite a few places, and I am discovering that in all my adventures, I think I was missing this. Peace and Joy are the difference between actively living a life you choose and just surviving a life you don't really know you are choosing. Not that I am Buddha or anything, but I am learning that what my life has been missing isn't something physical, it's something that comes from within.

Inner Peace.
Peace that resonates so deeply it can bring you to your knees and gives you a security you never thought possible. No matter what storm rages outside or within, you have a calm peace that can get you through anything...and that knowledge in of itself takes away about 90% of turmoil.

Joy.
I like to describe joy as happiness on holiday. Joy has no conditions isn't really physically based, knows no boundaries, and never really leaves. Joy doesn't come from anything but a heart and spirit so full that it literally overflows. When you have joy from within, your soul is always smiling.

Joy is one I am still working on. (okay, let's face it, I am working on both, but whatever!) Despite all the yoga I am doing, I am finding it so difficult to be truly joyful. Right now being joyful consists of praying (a lot), and being grateful for what I have in my life. My biggest problem (as it's always been) is not letting other people bring me down. This, I am sorely afraid, will always be my challenge.

So that's it. I gave it all up to discover that in order to truly understand, appreciate and KEEP my journey my own is to look within. No, it's not glamorous, it's not fabulous or pretty. It doesn't look good on paper and it certainly won't be good for my resume, but I think the day I decided my soul, my heart, my GUTS were more important than being who EVERYONE ELSE said I would be, I made the first step to becoming the person I said I would be. And now I am. (Well, I am at least in the right direction).

So THIS is my life, now....here's hoping.

Aaaaand...end scene.

I'm having one of those final scene movie days. One movie in particular: Prime. (warning, I have tweaked the ending to suit my situation...it is not completely accurate!) With Rachel yamagata playing in the background, we pan onto to a scene in a small, cozily lit manhattan restaurant. At long table, we see a man (tweaking slightly for gender respect), surrounded by friends. As the camera pans out, we realize we are viewing this scene through the eyes of our brave heroine. Once upon a time, these two people, now Newly strangers in the city of 8 million stories, were madly in love. You can't really remember what happened or why they aren't together anymore, but it is clear both have moved on. Despite the slow, sappy music playing and the major mood lighting, the scene isn't particularly sad. In fact, it's actually quite hopeful. You see the woman's face, and you know the entire tale that brought her to that moment. She once loved this man, so much she thought it was forever, but chose to move on because of a whole bunch of reasons that may or may not even matter. Even though a dark street without wine and friends may seem like the sadder version, she actually embraces the road less traveled. She had made a difficult decision: to dare that something better was out there for her. So with her sad and hopeful music, she sets off alone, to her world where anything is possible. And while there may always be a longing to be on the other side of the wall, (the one with the wine and friends) it's not enough to compromise the possibility of living to the fullest...whatever that decision may mean. 

We all have choices. Every choice we make and have made, has brought every single one of us exactly where we are, this moment. (for me its people watching at the Starbucks on lex and 77th). Choices can be easy or they can be difficult. My choices, as of late, have proven to be the latter. But like my heroine in my final scene movie, I'm daring to discover what life holds for me when I decide to just jump off. A part of me wants to be inside the restaurant, safe and unchanging, but the bigger part of me wants to discover what the rest of the world (physically, spiritually, emotionally and hypothetically speaking) outside has to offer. So even though there is sad music playing, my scene is actually hopeful. So yeah...I'm having one of those final scene movie days...remember there is life after the credits.

Even then, it was never really all that simple.

After watching The Way We Were for the 500th dozen time, I actually started to realize something. Perhaps it's the wisdom that comes with age, or I am just in a completely different place in my life than I ever have been, but something shifted in my perception of the interpretation of this epic movie, and the (formerly ill) fates of those involved.

I'm not going to do one of my quppy movie recaps (as I am certain I have done exactly that with this movie at some point in my blogging...) but I am going to sum it up with this: A fiercely independent woman falls hopelessly for a dreamy man who grows to love her just as fiercely as her, but in the end, chooses to opt out.

Here come the waterworks. How sad, how tragic. Just another modern day Romeo and Juliet: star-crossed lovers who don't end up living happily ever after. Every time I see it, I bawl. "Why oh why does Katie have to end up without Hubble?" "Why does he have to be such an asshole?" "Why can't they just stick together, they have a child for God's sake...why can't they just work it out?" And then, in what probably was the ORIGINAL "awkward ex run-in" on the street, we see that both parties come out alive. Yes, they are okay, but wouldn't they have been so much better together? They were MEANT for each other...or were they?

A close friend of mine described a great love as one where both parties give it all: everything they have, and whatever that is, plays out. As society has made us love-obsessed, over time, great love has equaled "successful ending in love." Marriage. Happily ever after. Kids. House. Growing Old. ETC.

What if, though, just what IF we entertain the possibility that being great in love AND life equals "messy as hell." Broken hearts. Blood. Tears. Tragedy. PAIN. Happiness. Being REAL and true to everyone and yourself. Not being perfect on paper, or kissing until the credits roll.

Now that is a daring suggestion for the ending to our movie lives, huh?

So back to the story at hand, Hubble and Katie. Lots of people claim to watch this movie, and even a racous sex and the city episode has portrayed parts of it, but believe me when I say, I am an expert. I have been watching this movie religiously with my mom since I was SEVEN years old. So this Hubble character, I pretty much have figured out. And let me tell you, apart from his dreamy heartthrob looks, he wasn't THAT great. He had asshole friends and an arrogance that could make Napoleon seem humble. Never accepting humility or the possibility that he could learn a thing or two, we constantly see him take his "lawful place in his social hierachy" making Katie often feel she was a day late and a dollar short.

The crazy thing is, what made Hubble so great is how much Katie loved and believed in him.. (Must I remind you, Mr. Redford didn't receive any awards for that performance, Mrs. Streisand took all of them...)

So that's it. He WAS: only because of her. What a "non-perfect ending" type of statement.

I remember, when I was around 14, (I am ASHAMED to say) that I used to be EMBARRASSED for Katie! I would cringe at the way she was so loud and obnoxious and wouldn't take social clues from her beloved to just sit there and stop talking or thinking. She was always over the top; always so fiercely passionate about EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING! I used to think, why can't she just shutup! She is going to run off the greatest thing that ever happened to her (let's face it, he's WAY better looking than her...) I would ask my mom, "Mama, what is WRONG with her? I seriously don't understand. No wonder why he left her. She never shutup. She never stopped." My mom would tell me then, that one day she hoped I would understand.

I think that day just happened. I get it. She never stopped...because that was who she was. She never stopped being herself. Hubble lied to himself for years..for the rest of his life. He was never honest with himself; he couldn't ever admit that he was ever wrong. It was so much easier to believe the lies he told himself; to drown in his shallow friends, alcohol and his social privleges. He fell for Katie because she represented the one thing he didn't (and subsequently could never) have: to be real. True. Crazy in everything she did and believed in.

What an earth-shattering revelation.

So back to the movie review. I still cry everytime. But for the first time EVER, in my 21 years of my relationship with this movie, I am not crying for the love lost. Let's face it, it was a great love. I cry, for Hubble. It IS sad. It is so sad that she wasted so much time on someone who would never be the man she knew he could be. And the crazier thing, SHE was the ONLY woman who would ever believe in him or love him as much. And he still couldn't handle it. He still chose to give up on himself, and everything that WAS real about his life.

In the last "run-in" scene, the tender looks they give to each other sums it all up: He was at his very best when he was with her, but he never deserved it. She's better than ever, because she grew and never betrayed herself. And all that's left is "the way we were."

Some people will never understand the power of love. And to that I say, those people don't deserve that kind of love. The kind that Katie never hesitated to give. Sometimes in life, we give more than we get. But we should ALL take a page from Miss Katie Morosky and to NEVER compromise who you are, especially for love.

And you may leave several people in your wake, but they'll never forget, and eventually you'll receive exactly the kind of love you give. And we all deserve that.

Lost love?

When we stop loving, or lose love, where does it all go?? Forgive me for sounding a bit too carrie bradshaw, but I can't stop wondering what I am to do with all this lost love.

It's a funny thing, love. It's one of those rare English words that seamlessly transforms from a verb to an adjective, to a noun, an adverb and back to a verb again. Yet, we can't touch love. We can't technically see it either. It's much like the wind, or faith. It's intangibility is only made tangible from a feeling.

So what is it, exactly? In Greek, there are 13 different words for love. This is how loosely we define our English words. We have one. One word to encompass every feeling under the sun that stems from this love. I love new York in the fall. I love my Chanel sunglasses. I love all 94 pairs of my shoes. I love my family. I love vanilla cupcakes. I love sleeping in. I love my friends. I love cheese pizza. I love traveling. I loved a boy...
And then I stop short. LoveD. Is it really possible to stop loving someone the second they cowardly break your heart into a million tiny pieces? Does the love just evaporate into thin air? Where does it go? If they can quit so easily, shouldn't all of us be able to break the intangible bond, if for no other reason than to stop the endless torture?
Here's my revelation: Once the passion, the euphoria, and the pleasure fades, all you're left with is a choice. A recognition that love isn't always cupcakes and high heels and pretty leaves and glitter. It's a choice to stick out for the long haul; to understand that with the fabulous new York autumn, comes the inevitably unbearable winter, and to get one, you must have the other. A choice to choose to stay. To make it happen, to recognize that half of love is the hard stuff...it's what makes the good stuff worth it.

It brings me back to my original question: when love ends, where does it go? With all its illusions and games, I would still like to believe that love, in all its forms, comes from a pure and sacred place, and if love does have to end, if it were really love, it would come from a place of purity and peace.
So maybe the lost love wasn't ever really love after all.

Easier said than done, right? So that's it. Maybe we're all mistaking the good stuff for love and love only, and we are just waiting; hoping that if we finally find our "match" and true "love", the glass slipper will always fit. Unfortunately, feet grow (hello pregnancy). Styles change. Glass breaks. And if its really love; true abiding forever love, you know you can always just go to the 4th floor of bergdorfs to get a new pair of shoes. 
It's like one of my fabulous femmes,  Coco Chanel said: "Jump out the window if you are the object of passion. Flee it if you feel it. When Passion goes, only boredom remains." passion is never enough. The second we realize it's the passion AND everything that comes along with it, we'll have passion filled relationships forever. Courage of conviction, and a heart ready to endure a ride of its life- these are the only souls that survive love and still live to tell about it, or rather show it; in 13 million different ways.