"To be or not to be..." it's not really a question at all.

Invariably, with every start of a new year, we all begin assessing our lives, current situations, jobs, etc in hopes of finding ways to improve. We look for things to change, ways to enhance or update, turn a new leaf...and thus, the resolution is born.

I am no stranger to this human ritual of creating a clean slate of resolutions for a start of a new year. Each year, I resolve to do at least one brave thing. Some years, I am slave to these vows of improvement, I write them down, post them on a mirror, track my progress...other years, it's a bit of a subdued process; changing them mid-year, ditching them altogether or just simply forgetting about them is my method. One thing is certain, I am always trying to improve my current situation. I think that may be the point of life; at least for us ambitious individuals. "How do I advance, excel, or better my current life?" seems to be the constant mantra in our already busy lives.

This year is plaguing me to almost torturous extremes. At the risk of sounding dramatic (big surprise), I am discovering that I am at a juxtaposition of sorts. Let me explain...

For as long as I can remember, I have been able to pinpoint exactly what I want in at least 2 areas of my life. I just knew. If I didn't know what I wanted to do, I knew where I wanted to be. If I didn't know how I wanted to get somewhere, I figured out what I wanted when I got there. This pattern has gotten me through years of dancing around the ever illusive, age-old question...what do we all really want?

Unfortunately, this year, the pattern has failed me. Miserably. I have no idea what I want, and I have no idea where to begin. I mean abstractly, of course, I still want all the normal things: I want to be happy, I want to love my life, love where I am and love what I do. The buck stops there.

"How do we get what we want if we don't even know what we want?"
Not to oversimplify the thought process, but I have to say that for the past week of the new year, this is the thought that is keeping me up at night.

I've run out of solutions. I have nowhere else to go. And my life is nowhere near where I want it to be, and I don't know where to begin. Happy New Year, huh? Enough with the cheerful auld lang syne, though. I seriously doubt I am the only person facing this dilemma, and yet, I have to get over it...The new year, and life, moves on.

So with the start of this year, I have decided to not partake in my ever ritualistic action of creating, and sometimes breaking, resolutions. I want to start my new year; the new decade, on a bit of a different (and hopefully the right) foot. Simplifying my desires, what I know is that I want to be happy. I want to feel amazing about myself every single day. I want to have fun. I want to (maybe) fall in love. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to wake up every morning bursting to start the day. I want to feel beautiful. I want to smile...all the time. I want to know the answers. I don't want to have it all figured out. I want to feel useful. I want to be appreciated. I want positive people in my life. I want to stay in touch with my friends. I want to be successful. I want to achieve more. Do more.

Inadvertently, it seems I know exactly what I want.

With the beautiful words of Diane Von Furstenburg as my ever constant mantra, "I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew the woman I wanted to become..." This year, I am going to start to become that very woman, and for once, let who I am really define me, and let my actions just follow.