Regrets. We all have them. I know I have written so many times about regrets. I have always always always said that I will live with no regrets. Do what I do, trust that the things that happen are meant to be and life is what it is.
The problem with this theory on living life with no regrets is...there is a sort of lackluster existance to it all. Almost a "ho-hum" day-to-day life living that seems, to some, almost safe.
I know what you are thinking. Living with "no regrets" is safe?! What??? But just hear me out.
Perhaps those that live with no regrets never truly reflect enough upon their lives. Perhaps, they simply chalk up everything that happens as a mere "plan" and almost lose the responsibility to really choose to do the brave thing...To try. To actually do something they know they will regret later.
I know this sounds crazy, but coming from someone who used to say she had "no regrets" to having loads of them, I think I have found the catch-22.
In order to learn from life, we have to have regrets. I'm dealing with quite a heavy regret right now. This one is so severe, that I truly wish I had never even experienced it. EVER. Like, I would give my left hand to go back and erase it. To never experience it...any of it.
But then I think about it, and I am discovering that if we really were able to go back...to actually utilize our hindsight and change what we did or didn't do, we wouldn't have what we do. Life wouldn't be the same, and then we would have a whole new set of regrets. The cycle is virtually endless, and the outcomes are anyone's guess. So if we just stick with the "original" regrets, continue to choose to live, with the possibility of several regrets, we may have a fighting chance at a passionate existance.
Even still, there are some things I don't want to learn from. Why do we have to learn from life, anyway? I mean is there going to be some big test at the end of the road of life that we better have studied for?
Either way, regrets are always getting in my way. It's as if I am a bit of a slave to them...embarking on things I know I am just going to regret later...my regret/life/hindsight cycle has virtually been the same for over a year now, and I still cannot seem to pull myself out.
I'll tell you though, in any case, whatever the answer, we keep doing it; we proceed onward, throwing all caution to the wind, living in our regretful ways, I think, we do it hoping that one day, one regret we embark on will turn out to not be one after all...starting a new cycle of life.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
burn me at the stake
Tonight my theme is totally going to be sacrifice...in an completely inadvertent way.
So we all know the story of Joan of Arc, correct?! I mean, here we have this ultimate heroine...in a sense, the very first feminist. Joan was a woman with a very determined mind. She knew what she believed, knew what was right, didn't give a FUCK if anyone approved or not, and she totally went for it. She put everything she had; her emotions, her mind, her beliefs, posessions, everything...on the line; all to stand up for what she believed in.
In a sense, she made no pretenses about anything...no bullshit, no games...she put all her cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may.
In her case, they decided to fall on a bunch of fire and some wood, at her expense. But to Joan, it was no matter. She did what she came to do. She sacrificed her life for her beliefs, and in the end was a better person for it (can you even name any woman we still talk about to this day with the same amount of respect and grandeur..? I think not.)
Lately, I am realizing that some of us in life, are a lot like this beloved Joan. Not many, but some people take everything they have; personality, life, relationships, beliefs, emotions, feelings, physicality...and put it all out there, every single day. I think by default a certain portion is guarded, but for the most part, the raw, intense guts of a person are on display for all the world to see.
These people tend to either have really amazing relationships; or they have none at all. Depending on the audience, these soul-bearers pay no attetion to what others might think and truly live for themselves...
Being one who is quite fond of metaphorically being tied to a stake, I have some recent findings to share. As I get older, I find it harder and harder to let myself loose if something hasn't gone my way. If I embark on something I feel is not worthy, it is slightly more dfficult to let go than someone else.... yet I continue to stay tied to the post. Day in, day out, I expose all of it. There are no secrets, no hidden agendas...it is truly raw emotion...and all that it implies.
So why does such a simple concept bring such complicated results?! I don't have the answers, but I do know, that being so open and passionate about everything definitely does involve risks. Sometimes, these risks include getting heartbroken, let down, cheated or unsatisfied....
but is the previous better than the latter? Would we rather set ourselves up; open and honest and willing to "go there" as opposed to being cold, aloof, standoffish and not open to any of life's opportunities???
I think the point is to figure out your priorities. Knowing what is and isn't worth it. And also, being kind to everyone never hurt either. AS long as you know what you want, willing to stop at nothing and not afraid of some pretty hurtful side effects....be prepared for the ride of your life.
So we all know the story of Joan of Arc, correct?! I mean, here we have this ultimate heroine...in a sense, the very first feminist. Joan was a woman with a very determined mind. She knew what she believed, knew what was right, didn't give a FUCK if anyone approved or not, and she totally went for it. She put everything she had; her emotions, her mind, her beliefs, posessions, everything...on the line; all to stand up for what she believed in.
In a sense, she made no pretenses about anything...no bullshit, no games...she put all her cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may.
In her case, they decided to fall on a bunch of fire and some wood, at her expense. But to Joan, it was no matter. She did what she came to do. She sacrificed her life for her beliefs, and in the end was a better person for it (can you even name any woman we still talk about to this day with the same amount of respect and grandeur..? I think not.)
Lately, I am realizing that some of us in life, are a lot like this beloved Joan. Not many, but some people take everything they have; personality, life, relationships, beliefs, emotions, feelings, physicality...and put it all out there, every single day. I think by default a certain portion is guarded, but for the most part, the raw, intense guts of a person are on display for all the world to see.
These people tend to either have really amazing relationships; or they have none at all. Depending on the audience, these soul-bearers pay no attetion to what others might think and truly live for themselves...
Being one who is quite fond of metaphorically being tied to a stake, I have some recent findings to share. As I get older, I find it harder and harder to let myself loose if something hasn't gone my way. If I embark on something I feel is not worthy, it is slightly more dfficult to let go than someone else.... yet I continue to stay tied to the post. Day in, day out, I expose all of it. There are no secrets, no hidden agendas...it is truly raw emotion...and all that it implies.
So why does such a simple concept bring such complicated results?! I don't have the answers, but I do know, that being so open and passionate about everything definitely does involve risks. Sometimes, these risks include getting heartbroken, let down, cheated or unsatisfied....
but is the previous better than the latter? Would we rather set ourselves up; open and honest and willing to "go there" as opposed to being cold, aloof, standoffish and not open to any of life's opportunities???
I think the point is to figure out your priorities. Knowing what is and isn't worth it. And also, being kind to everyone never hurt either. AS long as you know what you want, willing to stop at nothing and not afraid of some pretty hurtful side effects....be prepared for the ride of your life.
Monday, September 28, 2009
get out your magnifying glass before signing the dotted line.
Lots of thoughts flowing these days. I am in the throes of what I think may be a really big turning point in my life...let me explain.
People are really fascinating to me. We walk around town, in certain costumes, saying we are this, doing things that portray us in a certain way. In a sense, we are all these thoughts, emotions, things, features, etc all on a contract. Here I am, I do this, I love that, I am this way, This happened to me, this is what I dream of, this is who I am. And so we build our contracts. Through trying times, good times, life lessons, age, relationships, life, our life happens, and our contract follows suit.
It seems, however, that some people aren't as quick to change their contracts to fit their lives. It's like some people decide they are a certain way, and this way sounds amazing on paper, so the paper sticks. Well, lo and behold when someone else reads this said amazing contract, they can't wait to see the real thing that backs it all up. Finally. This person. They are just that good. Fitting the requirements and everything someone else really needs, they are fucking fabulous. So you can imagine the shock, disappointment, resentment and sadness that follows when the other person doesn't quite fit the contract. It's as if the subject has a bit of difficulty with depth perception and doesn't realize that they not only don't fit their contract description, they completely contradict it.
It appears that most contracts come with a fine print that we decide to either ignore, forgoe or simply don't see.
Some of these contracts are actually quite accurate, but only after a certain point. If someone is privledged enough to make it past a certain point, the contract will come true. What gives? How does anyone expect to stick around if what you say isn't what you get, immediately? What's the draw???
Other contracts ring true at first glance, seducing us with all the right things and then fall extremely flat, a little bit more everyday until the hereafter.
Then there are still those of us, who simply have no fine print. No ultimatums. No lies, nothing except the raw hard truth...before during, after and through all of life's bullshit. Each experience embellishing the intricate pages of our life contracts. True, some pages may be more detailed and tougher to get through than others, but for the most part, it's all there. And it never changes.
Why is it that some of us are willing to put it all out there, no matter what, and others don't even know how to be that honest?!
Let me just tell you, especially in recent findings...when someone tells you they are brutally honest, telling the truth or any variation of the sort, ask to see their contract. ALL OF IT.
And don't sign it until you've read the fine print.
People are really fascinating to me. We walk around town, in certain costumes, saying we are this, doing things that portray us in a certain way. In a sense, we are all these thoughts, emotions, things, features, etc all on a contract. Here I am, I do this, I love that, I am this way, This happened to me, this is what I dream of, this is who I am. And so we build our contracts. Through trying times, good times, life lessons, age, relationships, life, our life happens, and our contract follows suit.
It seems, however, that some people aren't as quick to change their contracts to fit their lives. It's like some people decide they are a certain way, and this way sounds amazing on paper, so the paper sticks. Well, lo and behold when someone else reads this said amazing contract, they can't wait to see the real thing that backs it all up. Finally. This person. They are just that good. Fitting the requirements and everything someone else really needs, they are fucking fabulous. So you can imagine the shock, disappointment, resentment and sadness that follows when the other person doesn't quite fit the contract. It's as if the subject has a bit of difficulty with depth perception and doesn't realize that they not only don't fit their contract description, they completely contradict it.
It appears that most contracts come with a fine print that we decide to either ignore, forgoe or simply don't see.
Some of these contracts are actually quite accurate, but only after a certain point. If someone is privledged enough to make it past a certain point, the contract will come true. What gives? How does anyone expect to stick around if what you say isn't what you get, immediately? What's the draw???
Other contracts ring true at first glance, seducing us with all the right things and then fall extremely flat, a little bit more everyday until the hereafter.
Then there are still those of us, who simply have no fine print. No ultimatums. No lies, nothing except the raw hard truth...before during, after and through all of life's bullshit. Each experience embellishing the intricate pages of our life contracts. True, some pages may be more detailed and tougher to get through than others, but for the most part, it's all there. And it never changes.
Why is it that some of us are willing to put it all out there, no matter what, and others don't even know how to be that honest?!
Let me just tell you, especially in recent findings...when someone tells you they are brutally honest, telling the truth or any variation of the sort, ask to see their contract. ALL OF IT.
And don't sign it until you've read the fine print.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I finally got my apple.
I am re-reading my (outdated) myspace blog and I think I am going to transfer some of them...however I just love the one I am posting below...without even realizing it...I did it. Sometimes, I have the ability to even amaze myself. Life is so fucking cool.
01/07/2009
It's amazing what a song can do. I know it has been awhile since I have written, but I felt inspired tonight. As a closet writer, I secretly wait for moments that move me to the point of writing. Whether it comes from a song, a profound quote, a look from a loved one, or even an earth-shattering thought...the inspiration within can move me to words.
Tonight, my muse is in the form of an artist named, ever so appropriately, Hope. The song is called Leave Me in New York. As many of you know, I have been in a hopeless, mainly one-sided, long distance relationship with the city of New York for several years. I am blindly in love with it. Unabashedly, I have no qualms with expressing my emotions about it. The way I feel there; what I can do when I am there, how; without even knowing me, it can take me in, and accept me for who I am. No questions asked. Not only is my passion acceptable, it's what makes the relationship tick. With a love like that, who wouldn't be head over heels?
As I am (much too rapidly) tumbling through 26, I find myself at a revolutionary crossroads of sorts. I find it so easy...so effortless to feel so free to love something as crazy, ugly, beautiful, scary, safe, amazing, dull, dirty, gorgeous, breathtaking, tough, dangerous and perfect as New York...yet in real life, I can't seem to allow myself to find that kind of love. I am so willing to allow something like New York to chew me up and spit me back out...and am terrified about falling in love with an actual person. What gives?
Hope sings about New York, with grace and pristine beauty, simply stating she will never give up on New York; no matter what happens to her; whatever she weathers; she can get through it. Her love will see her through the good and bad...completely accepting her fate to always be in this love/hate relationship, no matter how it ends.
How can we translate? Why is it easier to love something that can very well hurt us more than a human soul? Why are we so willing to give up everything for something, but turn around and give up nothing for something else? I think the lesson is that we should approach our individual lives with the same vicarious disregard. Surrender yourself to the possibility of love; much like the city will, let it swallow you up, do what it wants, and know that however you end up, you're a better person for it. Is that the lesson of the city?
I don't know the answers. I've never even lived in New York and I can feel that way. Why? Why am I so open to something I don't even know is a good thing?
Love. It's a mind boggling thing....
See you in the big apple.
Oh, and don't take too big of a bite, because the majority belongs to me.
01/07/2009
It's amazing what a song can do. I know it has been awhile since I have written, but I felt inspired tonight. As a closet writer, I secretly wait for moments that move me to the point of writing. Whether it comes from a song, a profound quote, a look from a loved one, or even an earth-shattering thought...the inspiration within can move me to words.
Tonight, my muse is in the form of an artist named, ever so appropriately, Hope. The song is called Leave Me in New York. As many of you know, I have been in a hopeless, mainly one-sided, long distance relationship with the city of New York for several years. I am blindly in love with it. Unabashedly, I have no qualms with expressing my emotions about it. The way I feel there; what I can do when I am there, how; without even knowing me, it can take me in, and accept me for who I am. No questions asked. Not only is my passion acceptable, it's what makes the relationship tick. With a love like that, who wouldn't be head over heels?
As I am (much too rapidly) tumbling through 26, I find myself at a revolutionary crossroads of sorts. I find it so easy...so effortless to feel so free to love something as crazy, ugly, beautiful, scary, safe, amazing, dull, dirty, gorgeous, breathtaking, tough, dangerous and perfect as New York...yet in real life, I can't seem to allow myself to find that kind of love. I am so willing to allow something like New York to chew me up and spit me back out...and am terrified about falling in love with an actual person. What gives?
Hope sings about New York, with grace and pristine beauty, simply stating she will never give up on New York; no matter what happens to her; whatever she weathers; she can get through it. Her love will see her through the good and bad...completely accepting her fate to always be in this love/hate relationship, no matter how it ends.
How can we translate? Why is it easier to love something that can very well hurt us more than a human soul? Why are we so willing to give up everything for something, but turn around and give up nothing for something else? I think the lesson is that we should approach our individual lives with the same vicarious disregard. Surrender yourself to the possibility of love; much like the city will, let it swallow you up, do what it wants, and know that however you end up, you're a better person for it. Is that the lesson of the city?
I don't know the answers. I've never even lived in New York and I can feel that way. Why? Why am I so open to something I don't even know is a good thing?
Love. It's a mind boggling thing....
See you in the big apple.
Oh, and don't take too big of a bite, because the majority belongs to me.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
7- year switch
So...first of all, it is a beautiful day. Randomly, I have been trying to think of what this blog is really going to be about. I mean, I am beginning to think it is a bit narcissistic to continue contributing to the world in a fashion that only involves me...so anyway, I have a few ideas, more to come....
It's my birthday.
For those that know me...this is probably the hardest time in my life. I am the eternal contemplater. It began about 7 years ago. If you were to find my old blog, I can't even find it... you would've read that turning 20 for me, was a coming of age of sorts.
It was a laundry list of regrets. Even reading it now..I can connect with that young girl who was really lost and scared for life to begin...But all I did was regret not doing something. And so the pattern began. Each year, gearing up for the worst, I would collect all my "non-accomplishments" in a box, and then on my birthday, unleash them onto the world...friends included. Sparing no one, I would go into a horrible spiral, citing everything from non-achieved written novels, to not losing weight, to not falling in love, to moving for who knows what...you name it, I drug it out. In effect, I sort of, in a dramatic manner (big surprise), brought up all of the things I didn't achieve in life and display them (quite dramatically, especially when there was alcohol involved) for all the world to see, brutally exposing my insecurities on a silver platter.
I think from 20 on, I vowed never to have regrets. Practicing what we preach, as we all know, is a bit more difficult than it sounds. But I did almost everything my heart desired, from that point on. I left the red light of life.
I went to Greece. I studied what I wanted. I quit my job (more than once) I moved. And moved again. And again. And again. And again. But somehow, when that calendar hit September 2, my "non-regretful life" had a seemingly long list of wrong-doings, and I would suffocatingly punish myself for them.
Well, we've all heard of the 7-year itch....Mine is the 7-year switch.
For the first time in a long time, I am going to make the conscious decision to choose me... my regrets and all...to celebrate on my birthday....
I think I have finally learned my life; and my birthday...the very core of this normal fall kick-start date, is a celebration of me. Of my life. My accomplishments. My overall fabulousness.
So I fuck up. Who doesn't?! So I am not the exact person I want to be?? Are we really ever?! (another subject entirely...) It's time to really look at what I have done...not what I haven't or have yet to do.
I am celebrating my birthday in my dream city this year. And what's more, I am a resident here. I have arrived. Can you believe it?!?! MY DREAM CITY!! My humility is going to be put on hold momentarily...I am fucking AMAZING!
After 7 years of torture, I am finally going to stop regretting my regrets. I am going to celebrate my accomplishments...and eventually, my regrets as well. Every step we take, good or not, makes us who we are.
I am going to blow out my candles, and realize that another year celebrating me, with everything it will bring, is actually a tiny miracle.
My advice to you anti-candle blowers...first off, age is just a number. And remember this is your day...your celebration. Your LIFE! It is meant to be reflected upon and truly appreciated...we deserve it!
Also, when else can you eat an entire cupcake sans guilt?!
make a wish!!!!
It's my birthday.
For those that know me...this is probably the hardest time in my life. I am the eternal contemplater. It began about 7 years ago. If you were to find my old blog, I can't even find it... you would've read that turning 20 for me, was a coming of age of sorts.
It was a laundry list of regrets. Even reading it now..I can connect with that young girl who was really lost and scared for life to begin...But all I did was regret not doing something. And so the pattern began. Each year, gearing up for the worst, I would collect all my "non-accomplishments" in a box, and then on my birthday, unleash them onto the world...friends included. Sparing no one, I would go into a horrible spiral, citing everything from non-achieved written novels, to not losing weight, to not falling in love, to moving for who knows what...you name it, I drug it out. In effect, I sort of, in a dramatic manner (big surprise), brought up all of the things I didn't achieve in life and display them (quite dramatically, especially when there was alcohol involved) for all the world to see, brutally exposing my insecurities on a silver platter.
I think from 20 on, I vowed never to have regrets. Practicing what we preach, as we all know, is a bit more difficult than it sounds. But I did almost everything my heart desired, from that point on. I left the red light of life.
I went to Greece. I studied what I wanted. I quit my job (more than once) I moved. And moved again. And again. And again. And again. But somehow, when that calendar hit September 2, my "non-regretful life" had a seemingly long list of wrong-doings, and I would suffocatingly punish myself for them.
Well, we've all heard of the 7-year itch....Mine is the 7-year switch.
For the first time in a long time, I am going to make the conscious decision to choose me... my regrets and all...to celebrate on my birthday....
I think I have finally learned my life; and my birthday...the very core of this normal fall kick-start date, is a celebration of me. Of my life. My accomplishments. My overall fabulousness.
So I fuck up. Who doesn't?! So I am not the exact person I want to be?? Are we really ever?! (another subject entirely...) It's time to really look at what I have done...not what I haven't or have yet to do.
I am celebrating my birthday in my dream city this year. And what's more, I am a resident here. I have arrived. Can you believe it?!?! MY DREAM CITY!! My humility is going to be put on hold momentarily...I am fucking AMAZING!
After 7 years of torture, I am finally going to stop regretting my regrets. I am going to celebrate my accomplishments...and eventually, my regrets as well. Every step we take, good or not, makes us who we are.
I am going to blow out my candles, and realize that another year celebrating me, with everything it will bring, is actually a tiny miracle.
My advice to you anti-candle blowers...first off, age is just a number. And remember this is your day...your celebration. Your LIFE! It is meant to be reflected upon and truly appreciated...we deserve it!
Also, when else can you eat an entire cupcake sans guilt?!
make a wish!!!!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
the aha! moment.
I had the most peculiar thing happen to me yesterday. As I was leaving work, (late, of course. It seems, since I moved here I cannot seem to get out of work at least an hour after I am supposed to.) Anyway, I was on my iPhone, which, as a sidenote, I am completely obsessed with, talking to kati, and I went to Food Emporium to grab something for dinner. Absentmindedly, I totally left my wallet in my pocket and when I went to pay for my dinner, my wallet wasn't there.
For those of you that know me, you can assume what happened next.
But surprisingly enough, I kept my cool. I had to get home. I was 20 blocks and just had this feeling that if I was home, and I could check my bag properly, everything would be fine. As I stormed home, each block swifter than the next, I was busy on the phone trying to re-trace my steps. I finally reached my (hellacious) stairs and when I got to my apt, dumped the entire contents of my HUGE Marc Jacobs tote onto my pink couch, my wallet was nowhere to be found.
Dismally, I headed to my computer to begin cancelling this card, renewing that one, etc., when I got a call from an LA number.
It was hard to understand, but the gist was she was from my insurance company, someone had found my wallet with all my cards (my health insurance card among them) and that if I wanted it back, I could reach her at this number.
Sure enough, I immediately call the number, and the most precious woman answered and told me that I could pick up my wallet at her (high rise) apt. So I immediately (albeit after changing clothes) ran the 12 blocks to her place, and there it was. I gratefully accepted the small parcel, extended my sincerest gratitude, and gave her a huge gratis of BE stuff and encouraged her to walk the 2 blocks to visit me at my store anytime.
It just baffles me, that in this day in age, in New York no less, that there are honest people in the world. Not only was I extremely blessed, I, of course, started to pull out all of these hidden meanings of this little hiccup in my otherwise eerily routine Manhattan life.
Being here for over a month, essentially alone, I began to wonder, who am I? The kelly that I usually know, when faced with a similar situation, would've been a crying hysterical mess. Knowing full well that it would be all in vain, my coping mechanisms would be far different. Am I growing up? Am I hardening? Who am I becoming?
It's weird. So many people have this vision of moving to a city like New York. Shiny, glamourous, put together, and the epitome of success is all that comes to mind. It's so not like that for me (or most people, I can safely assume). I know I'm new here, but I feel like I have lived here a 100 years.
Yesterday, after my wallet's brush with fate, when I was on my way to retrieve it, I had this urge, instinctual really, to call my mom and say 'okay! I need to you come pick me up! I have to go get my wallet fast and then, let's go home. I'm tired of this charade. I'm tired, period.'
And then it hit me. I'm not in 5th grade anymore, pretending to live the "fabulous city life". I'm here, and I'm alone.
I don't know what's scarier: realizing the truth or realizing, that, for the first time one of these revelations have hit home I haven't cried, run for the hills or given up...or felt lost or scared, even.
I'm growing up....and I'm getting to be quite good at it.
For those of you that know me, you can assume what happened next.
But surprisingly enough, I kept my cool. I had to get home. I was 20 blocks and just had this feeling that if I was home, and I could check my bag properly, everything would be fine. As I stormed home, each block swifter than the next, I was busy on the phone trying to re-trace my steps. I finally reached my (hellacious) stairs and when I got to my apt, dumped the entire contents of my HUGE Marc Jacobs tote onto my pink couch, my wallet was nowhere to be found.
Dismally, I headed to my computer to begin cancelling this card, renewing that one, etc., when I got a call from an LA number.
It was hard to understand, but the gist was she was from my insurance company, someone had found my wallet with all my cards (my health insurance card among them) and that if I wanted it back, I could reach her at this number.
Sure enough, I immediately call the number, and the most precious woman answered and told me that I could pick up my wallet at her (high rise) apt. So I immediately (albeit after changing clothes) ran the 12 blocks to her place, and there it was. I gratefully accepted the small parcel, extended my sincerest gratitude, and gave her a huge gratis of BE stuff and encouraged her to walk the 2 blocks to visit me at my store anytime.
It just baffles me, that in this day in age, in New York no less, that there are honest people in the world. Not only was I extremely blessed, I, of course, started to pull out all of these hidden meanings of this little hiccup in my otherwise eerily routine Manhattan life.
Being here for over a month, essentially alone, I began to wonder, who am I? The kelly that I usually know, when faced with a similar situation, would've been a crying hysterical mess. Knowing full well that it would be all in vain, my coping mechanisms would be far different. Am I growing up? Am I hardening? Who am I becoming?
It's weird. So many people have this vision of moving to a city like New York. Shiny, glamourous, put together, and the epitome of success is all that comes to mind. It's so not like that for me (or most people, I can safely assume). I know I'm new here, but I feel like I have lived here a 100 years.
Yesterday, after my wallet's brush with fate, when I was on my way to retrieve it, I had this urge, instinctual really, to call my mom and say 'okay! I need to you come pick me up! I have to go get my wallet fast and then, let's go home. I'm tired of this charade. I'm tired, period.'
And then it hit me. I'm not in 5th grade anymore, pretending to live the "fabulous city life". I'm here, and I'm alone.
I don't know what's scarier: realizing the truth or realizing, that, for the first time one of these revelations have hit home I haven't cried, run for the hills or given up...or felt lost or scared, even.
I'm growing up....and I'm getting to be quite good at it.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
welcome to my world!
Wow. I am living in my dreamland...and am finally going to start writing about it. I will be posting pictures, crazy stories, and anything and everything that is happening in my world...as a real new yorker. So stay tuned...this is one adventure from a (reluctant) Upper East Sider you don't want to miss.
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