Can I get off now: Riding the emotional rollercoaster.

I haven't written in ages...literally. So much has happened that I cannot even begin to recap; honestly I feel like a different person (and NOT in a good way.)

Do you ever just wonder how the hell you got to where you are?? Like, we make a million decisions, everyday. We actively participate in our lives, navigating and trying to make it all we dreamed of. Then...life gets in the way. I don't really even know how to explain it- I have spent a decade trying to describe the void that comes from having a life that doesn't match my dreams, and living with the fact that it never really will.

So my new quest in life was to really figure it all out. If you read my last blog, I was going to take the "road less traveled" and make a decision to try to get to know me; and discover what I want from this ever fleeting thing we call life. Let me just say, I haven't gotten that far. (unless you consider the road less traveled moving back in with your parents and putting your entire existence on hold). How is it going, you ask? Well to give you a little insight, I don't even wear makeup anymore. Not that that matters, but it is probably more symbolic than I would like to admit. I miss everything I never had in my previous life. Does that make sense? I miss the idea of my past, but the reality of it was not so great. Do you think we all do that? Miss what was never really there??

I am so terrified. I have no idea what comes next. I am stuck in a REEEALLY unproductive and almost paralyzing place: emotionally and physically.

I've always been one of those people that always had something up her sleeve. I always had a bigger plan, and by the grace of God and my sheer will, they always happened exactly as I planned...then one day, I went and changed it all. I decided that my plan was going to leave me homeless and jobless so I got out when I could..or so I thought. Which brings me to my current state. Where is that exactly? I have no fucking clue.

I have been searching my soul for a few months now, trying to make sense of all of this chaos I have brought upon myself, and I am discovering that I am missing two main components: Inner peace and joy.

Having inner peace and true, unadulterated joy is, in my opinion the golden ticket. They are the key to life. In this insane crazy, dishonest and horrifying world, if you have these things, you can be a rock. Whether you are in New York City, Paris or Fort Worth, without peace and joy, you won't get very far.

Wow, I think I just realized the magnitude of what I just said.

I have traveled the world, and lived in, well, quite a few places, and I am discovering that in all my adventures, I think I was missing this. Peace and Joy are the difference between actively living a life you choose and just surviving a life you don't really know you are choosing. Not that I am Buddha or anything, but I am learning that what my life has been missing isn't something physical, it's something that comes from within.

Inner Peace.
Peace that resonates so deeply it can bring you to your knees and gives you a security you never thought possible. No matter what storm rages outside or within, you have a calm peace that can get you through anything...and that knowledge in of itself takes away about 90% of turmoil.

Joy.
I like to describe joy as happiness on holiday. Joy has no conditions isn't really physically based, knows no boundaries, and never really leaves. Joy doesn't come from anything but a heart and spirit so full that it literally overflows. When you have joy from within, your soul is always smiling.

Joy is one I am still working on. (okay, let's face it, I am working on both, but whatever!) Despite all the yoga I am doing, I am finding it so difficult to be truly joyful. Right now being joyful consists of praying (a lot), and being grateful for what I have in my life. My biggest problem (as it's always been) is not letting other people bring me down. This, I am sorely afraid, will always be my challenge.

So that's it. I gave it all up to discover that in order to truly understand, appreciate and KEEP my journey my own is to look within. No, it's not glamorous, it's not fabulous or pretty. It doesn't look good on paper and it certainly won't be good for my resume, but I think the day I decided my soul, my heart, my GUTS were more important than being who EVERYONE ELSE said I would be, I made the first step to becoming the person I said I would be. And now I am. (Well, I am at least in the right direction).

So THIS is my life, now....here's hoping.

Aaaaand...end scene.

I'm having one of those final scene movie days. One movie in particular: Prime. (warning, I have tweaked the ending to suit my situation...it is not completely accurate!) With Rachel yamagata playing in the background, we pan onto to a scene in a small, cozily lit manhattan restaurant. At long table, we see a man (tweaking slightly for gender respect), surrounded by friends. As the camera pans out, we realize we are viewing this scene through the eyes of our brave heroine. Once upon a time, these two people, now Newly strangers in the city of 8 million stories, were madly in love. You can't really remember what happened or why they aren't together anymore, but it is clear both have moved on. Despite the slow, sappy music playing and the major mood lighting, the scene isn't particularly sad. In fact, it's actually quite hopeful. You see the woman's face, and you know the entire tale that brought her to that moment. She once loved this man, so much she thought it was forever, but chose to move on because of a whole bunch of reasons that may or may not even matter. Even though a dark street without wine and friends may seem like the sadder version, she actually embraces the road less traveled. She had made a difficult decision: to dare that something better was out there for her. So with her sad and hopeful music, she sets off alone, to her world where anything is possible. And while there may always be a longing to be on the other side of the wall, (the one with the wine and friends) it's not enough to compromise the possibility of living to the fullest...whatever that decision may mean. 

We all have choices. Every choice we make and have made, has brought every single one of us exactly where we are, this moment. (for me its people watching at the Starbucks on lex and 77th). Choices can be easy or they can be difficult. My choices, as of late, have proven to be the latter. But like my heroine in my final scene movie, I'm daring to discover what life holds for me when I decide to just jump off. A part of me wants to be inside the restaurant, safe and unchanging, but the bigger part of me wants to discover what the rest of the world (physically, spiritually, emotionally and hypothetically speaking) outside has to offer. So even though there is sad music playing, my scene is actually hopeful. So yeah...I'm having one of those final scene movie days...remember there is life after the credits.