Bright lights....big reality check

Neon.

Have you ever heard this song by John Mayer? It used to be my FAVORITE. I identified so much with the woman he described:

"She comes and she goes like no one can. She comes and she goes...she's slipping through my hands she's always buzzing just like neon. Who knows how long she can go before she finds her way."

This was my secret mantra. I would listen to this song and pine away and think "this is exactly about me. I am this girl to a T. One day, he is gonna sing this to me."

Well needless to say, I gave up waiting on my doorstep for John to show up with a guitar to serenade me ages ago. (Can we say plaaaaayer?!)

The truth is, I embodied and embraced that song because it was who everyone thought I was. And in turn, I became her. The buzzy, unpredictable, shiny neon girl who did everything she wanted. Move here? Yep. Do this? Yep. Quit that? Totally. I mean look at me. On the surface, I'm Miss Neon. I endlessly shine. Never turn off. Never say no. I belong in the big city, glowing away. Bright lights big city? I AM those lights.

I have a confession: somewhere between realistic and relieved, I think my light got inadvertently shut off. Something has shifted. Maybe it's the wisdom that comes with age, or perhaps neon discriminates against 30 plus somethings, but its a good thing because I can't do it anymore.

Neon is fantastic. It's pretty, trendy, bright, happy, fun and honestly has no other purpose but to draw attention to itself (something Mr. Mayer failed to mention).

 Have you ever looked at a neon light up close?? In my old neon life, i would walk past a neon sign shop everyday on my way to the office. Like a moth to a flame, i would be drawn to the window and just stare (as people tend to do with neon). The actual lights are quite frankly, a little freaky. Buzzy, skittish and seemingly uncertain, they actually squirm. It's almost as if all that voltage makes them uncomfortable (and exhausted at that). Why on earth would anyone want to be neon??

I'm not saying I'm a different person. People are always going to look at me. I'm a tall blonde with loud voice and a major presence. Even without makeup and in sneakers I'm not invisible. But I think my transition from neon to....incandescent is that I am ready to allow other people to see my non-neon side. I can't work 100 hours a week. I can't wear perfect makeup everyday. When I leave my dance class, I literally look like I got run over by a tomato truck. I get frustrated and I can't ALWAYS SAY YES. In neon world, I always say yes. I dress like a mega fashionista everyday and every pic I
take is Facebook ready. No one sees me getting sad, angry, upset...it's just pink Barbie.

It's time to embrace incandescence. I know it's definitely going to be an adjustment, but it doesn't mean that I'm losing the neon. Unlike the wonderful world of lighting, we as humans, can actually be both. We can be gorgeous, fun, sexy, unpredictable and also sometimes tired, ugly, with limits, pain and mistakes.

I think I'm learning that's even better---because it's real. So from one neon light to the other, don't be afraid to let your real light shine. You may become brighter than ever.