Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving.

It's the holiday that (obviously) celebrates all we are thankful for.

Giving thanks.

Thanks to God. Thanks to our family. Our friends. Thanks. So, how do we give Thanks amidst a tragedy? Surely we can't be thankful for bad things happening; especially when they happen on the day (or pretty close to it) we celebrate this holiday.

I lost my nephew.

Such a precious life; taken from this earth before he even got to experience it. The past 4 days have seemed like some horrible foggy nightmare that I can't shake. Like I am trying to desperately wake up but can't.

I can't be angry. I can't ask why. Anger doesn't come from love. And when I think about Xander, even now, all I see is love and peace. He doesn't know anger, so why should I? We don't know the answers, and I don't know if we ever will.

For some reason, on this windy Thanksgiving, all I can feel is peace. To be completely honest, it's actually quite surprising. Because I am mad. I am mad that he won't get to experience the life he was meant to. I am mad he won't get to ride a bike. Walk in the sand. See a sunset that will bring him to tears. Fall in love. It just crushes me. Literally crushes.

Yet, I still just feel peace. The only explanation is that the peace and love I feel from such an unimaginably horrifying occurrence is that it's not from me at all. It's from God. (and Xander of course, because he is in heaven with God).

Doesn't that just give you chills? Amidst all of the anger, sadness, nonsense, toxicity...I am still able to feel wrapped in peace and love.

So here it is. My thanks this year is twofold.

I'm giving thanks to my nephew, Xander, in heaven with God. For reminding me that peace not only comes from within-it's not just up to me to find it (because believe me, I don't know if I would). It comes from faith. A faith in God that is insurmountably huge. That no matter what, peace brings a serenity that is no match for anger, sadness and darkness. It pales in comparison. That peace will live on long after our bodies are gone.

Peace is also accompanied by love. This thanks really goes to God again, but in the form of 2 people that, in the past 4 days have completely embodied every love you ever read about in the Bible, fairytales, Shakespeare, or seen in any movie. The kind of love that moves mountains. I know their love made Xander, and was a foundation for him to grow and become the beautiful soul he is, but the love I am talking about is the love that is still here, after God called Xander to Him. The love that was left. In every word, every touch, every tear...the love grows deeper and deeper.

I wish I could take the love that I feel, see and almost touch between these two souls. I want to take it, wrap it with a glittering ribbon, and give it to every person that has never felt this kind of love. With Xander's tragic life ending, in his place he gave his parents the gift of an unbreakable love.

I can't think of anything more unbelieveable to be Thankful to our Heavenly Father this year. Forget everything else. I can't believe God chose me to be a part of such an amazing experience. I will forever be changed by the love and peace I feel. I knew he would, but Xander gave me a gift bigger than anything I could imagine. I just hope I don't let him down because it's my job to embody this spirit of love and peace that I have witnessed for the rest of my days.


My prayer is that you may someday feel the kind of peace Xander has given me, and the kind of love that he has given his parents. Isn't God amazing?

Happy Thanksgiving.

dedicated to:

xander raddon swegel

11/24/2013