get out your magnifying glass before signing the dotted line.

Lots of thoughts flowing these days. I am in the throes of what I think may be a really big turning point in my life...let me explain.

People are really fascinating to me. We walk around town, in certain costumes, saying we are this, doing things that portray us in a certain way. In a sense, we are all these thoughts, emotions, things, features, etc all on a contract. Here I am, I do this, I love that, I am this way, This happened to me, this is what I dream of, this is who I am. And so we build our contracts. Through trying times, good times, life lessons, age, relationships, life, our life happens, and our contract follows suit.

It seems, however, that some people aren't as quick to change their contracts to fit their lives. It's like some people decide they are a certain way, and this way sounds amazing on paper, so the paper sticks. Well, lo and behold when someone else reads this said amazing contract, they can't wait to see the real thing that backs it all up. Finally. This person. They are just that good. Fitting the requirements and everything someone else really needs, they are fucking fabulous. So you can imagine the shock, disappointment, resentment and sadness that follows when the other person doesn't quite fit the contract. It's as if the subject has a bit of difficulty with depth perception and doesn't realize that they not only don't fit their contract description, they completely contradict it.

It appears that most contracts come with a fine print that we decide to either ignore, forgoe or simply don't see.

Some of these contracts are actually quite accurate, but only after a certain point. If someone is privledged enough to make it past a certain point, the contract will come true. What gives? How does anyone expect to stick around if what you say isn't what you get, immediately? What's the draw???

Other contracts ring true at first glance, seducing us with all the right things and then fall extremely flat, a little bit more everyday until the hereafter.

Then there are still those of us, who simply have no fine print. No ultimatums. No lies, nothing except the raw hard truth...before during, after and through all of life's bullshit. Each experience embellishing the intricate pages of our life contracts. True, some pages may be more detailed and tougher to get through than others, but for the most part, it's all there. And it never changes.

Why is it that some of us are willing to put it all out there, no matter what, and others don't even know how to be that honest?!

Let me just tell you, especially in recent findings...when someone tells you they are brutally honest, telling the truth or any variation of the sort, ask to see their contract. ALL OF IT.
And don't sign it until you've read the fine print.

I finally got my apple.

I am re-reading my (outdated) myspace blog and I think I am going to transfer some of them...however I just love the one I am posting below...without even realizing it...I did it. Sometimes, I have the ability to even amaze myself. Life is so fucking cool.

01/07/2009
It's amazing what a song can do. I know it has been awhile since I have written, but I felt inspired tonight. As a closet writer, I secretly wait for moments that move me to the point of writing. Whether it comes from a song, a profound quote, a look from a loved one, or even an earth-shattering thought...the inspiration within can move me to words.

Tonight, my muse is in the form of an artist named, ever so appropriately, Hope. The song is called Leave Me in New York. As many of you know, I have been in a hopeless, mainly one-sided, long distance relationship with the city of New York for several years. I am blindly in love with it. Unabashedly, I have no qualms with expressing my emotions about it. The way I feel there; what I can do when I am there, how; without even knowing me, it can take me in, and accept me for who I am. No questions asked. Not only is my passion acceptable, it's what makes the relationship tick. With a love like that, who wouldn't be head over heels?

As I am (much too rapidly) tumbling through 26, I find myself at a revolutionary crossroads of sorts. I find it so easy...so effortless to feel so free to love something as crazy, ugly, beautiful, scary, safe, amazing, dull, dirty, gorgeous, breathtaking, tough, dangerous and perfect as New York...yet in real life, I can't seem to allow myself to find that kind of love. I am so willing to allow something like New York to chew me up and spit me back out...and am terrified about falling in love with an actual person. What gives?

Hope sings about New York, with grace and pristine beauty, simply stating she will never give up on New York; no matter what happens to her; whatever she weathers; she can get through it. Her love will see her through the good and bad...completely accepting her fate to always be in this love/hate relationship, no matter how it ends.

How can we translate? Why is it easier to love something that can very well hurt us more than a human soul? Why are we so willing to give up everything for something, but turn around and give up nothing for something else? I think the lesson is that we should approach our individual lives with the same vicarious disregard. Surrender yourself to the possibility of love; much like the city will, let it swallow you up, do what it wants, and know that however you end up, you're a better person for it. Is that the lesson of the city?

I don't know the answers. I've never even lived in New York and I can feel that way. Why? Why am I so open to something I don't even know is a good thing?

Love. It's a mind boggling thing....

See you in the big apple.

Oh, and don't take too big of a bite, because the majority belongs to me.

7- year switch

So...first of all, it is a beautiful day. Randomly, I have been trying to think of what this blog is really going to be about. I mean, I am beginning to think it is a bit narcissistic to continue contributing to the world in a fashion that only involves me...so anyway, I have a few ideas, more to come....

It's my birthday.
For those that know me...this is probably the hardest time in my life. I am the eternal contemplater. It began about 7 years ago. If you were to find my old blog, I can't even find it... you would've read that turning 20 for me, was a coming of age of sorts.
It was a laundry list of regrets. Even reading it now..I can connect with that young girl who was really lost and scared for life to begin...But all I did was regret not doing something. And so the pattern began. Each year, gearing up for the worst, I would collect all my "non-accomplishments" in a box, and then on my birthday, unleash them onto the world...friends included. Sparing no one, I would go into a horrible spiral, citing everything from non-achieved written novels, to not losing weight, to not falling in love, to moving for who knows what...you name it, I drug it out. In effect, I sort of, in a dramatic manner (big surprise), brought up all of the things I didn't achieve in life and display them (quite dramatically, especially when there was alcohol involved) for all the world to see, brutally exposing my insecurities on a silver platter.

I think from 20 on, I vowed never to have regrets. Practicing what we preach, as we all know, is a bit more difficult than it sounds. But I did almost everything my heart desired, from that point on. I left the red light of life.
I went to Greece. I studied what I wanted. I quit my job (more than once) I moved. And moved again. And again. And again. And again. But somehow, when that calendar hit September 2, my "non-regretful life" had a seemingly long list of wrong-doings, and I would suffocatingly punish myself for them.

Well, we've all heard of the 7-year itch....Mine is the 7-year switch.
For the first time in a long time, I am going to make the conscious decision to choose me... my regrets and all...to celebrate on my birthday....

I think I have finally learned my life; and my birthday...the very core of this normal fall kick-start date, is a celebration of me. Of my life. My accomplishments. My overall fabulousness.
So I fuck up. Who doesn't?! So I am not the exact person I want to be?? Are we really ever?! (another subject entirely...) It's time to really look at what I have done...not what I haven't or have yet to do.

I am celebrating my birthday in my dream city this year. And what's more, I am a resident here. I have arrived. Can you believe it?!?! MY DREAM CITY!! My humility is going to be put on hold momentarily...I am fucking AMAZING!

After 7 years of torture, I am finally going to stop regretting my regrets. I am going to celebrate my accomplishments...and eventually, my regrets as well. Every step we take, good or not, makes us who we are.

I am going to blow out my candles, and realize that another year celebrating me, with everything it will bring, is actually a tiny miracle.

My advice to you anti-candle blowers...first off, age is just a number. And remember this is your day...your celebration. Your LIFE! It is meant to be reflected upon and truly appreciated...we deserve it!

Also, when else can you eat an entire cupcake sans guilt?!
make a wish!!!!