balance and bravery: the new synonym.

Bravery.

I used to think I was so brave. I spat in the face of fear, picked up and moved my life everywhere; searching for balance, strength and happiness, and a life worth living. And then...I found it. Then I lost it again...and now I am wondering what it all even is.

I am beginning to understand that this life worth living isn't as easy as being happy. It isn't as easy as finding a partner to share it with. It isn't as easy as finding an amazing job, apartment, dog, city. This life worth living isn't actually easy at all.

I have learned a lesson the past few days from some old and new(er) friends. What makes life worth living are the hard things. Those things we can't imagine doing, but know we have to. The things that create something known as bravery.

Have you ever had to lose a parent? Have you almost died? Have you stood up to someone you loved so much, that you lost them, and lived to tell about it? Have you chosen to finally restore your own soul over the soul of someone who destroyed you? Have you loved so much it hurts? Have you had the courage to tell someone everything, regardless of the outcome? Have you ever left? Have you ever chased a dream until you caught it? Have you ever jumped without knowing where you were going to land?

These things....these are bravery.  Everything I just described is something one of my friends has done or is doing. I never say it, but I am so inspired by their courage and conviction to live life. To search and fight until they've had a life worth living. It's the hardest thing anyone can ever do, and honestly, for some, I don't know even know how they do it.

I think I am learning that with bravery comes balance. Is that all it takes? To be brave; to be really and truly honestly brave in order to have the best possible life?

People tell me all the time how brave I am. How I have no fears and will do anything. Inside I know, that my bravery is only second to those who inspire me to be so brave in the first place.

My wish has been granted

So it's here. (almost)....The big THREE OH. And you would think, having 11 months, and 30 days to prepare, that I would be ready....

and I am.


in a way.


Surprisingly, as I am facing my last few days in my 20s, my thoughts are not on my lost youth, but really on the rest of my life. Is this normal? Do we have an internal clock that says: "Now you are 30, let the countdown of days left on Earth begin now." Haha, it's a funny thought.

I used to remember thinking how old 30 was. Like, it was ancient. Now I know that my life is just starting...or is it?

This week I have been highly inspired by one of the most fantastic women that lived during our time. Someone who, surprisingly enough wasn't a direct role model to me, until, posthumously, God revealed her to me and taught me so much about this thing we call life.

Nora Ephron was destined to be successful. Following in the footsteps of her parents, who practically paved her way to Hollywood (blessing her with a beautiful gift of words and a good, solid name), she found herself the well received author of everything in her prime: award winning screenplays, movies, books, countless articles. She dispensed  her knowledge and spun every one of her life's misfortunes: from 2 divorces to her mother's death, into an art form for the masses.

Then, it was over. As Frank Rich put it, "we took a nap, and she was gone." She died fighting a severe battle with Leukemia, something she lived with for over 6 years, without virtually telling a soul.

For SIX YEARS she kept a terrible, horrible secret. Barely telling her HUSBAND, not telling her children-no one knew. Everyday she woke up and went about her life as usual, while dying. She let her girlfriends call her up and bitch about their jobs, boyfriends, etc. She entertained her children's mild complaints of schoolwork and adulthood, and even when tragedy struck outside hers, she didn't falter-she even reached out to offer up help.

 In light of the way her life ended, I think it was the most unselfish act anyone has ever done. Can you imagine? How amazing of a woman do you have to be to not tell anyone you are dying??! To remind your best friend as she is crying about her life, or dissing her job, or being unhappy, that " hello, at least you aren't DYING." Nora Ephron didn't do that-not one single day. Her children and those close to her believe through her unselfishness, they were able to experience Nora as she wanted to be remembered; not fussing over someone who is battling for her life on a daily basis. So her careful balancing act was not only for herself, but for her loved ones as well; and for someone like me; a girl whose only commonality is that she lives in the same neighborhood and shares the same passion for New York and writing. Her unselfish actions have unexpectedly catapulted me into a very unique state as I approach my birthday. I have literally changed the way I think about everything.

EVERYTHING.

Without realizing it, receiving this hearty helping of Perspective has given me the strength, will and grace to transition into my 30s with ease.

Life is so short. It is so short. I never understood it until I realized Nora's story. We can never predict what will happen, and we certainly can't speculate. We only get one life. And we have no idea when it will end.

It's too short to waste it being bitter. Holding grudges. Being sad. Disappointed. Upset. Angry. Anxious. It's too short for regrets, and too short to dwell on coulda woulda shouldas.  The best we can do is learn from everything that happens. And live in the moment.

In her later days, Nora would always ask herself: "Am I doing what I really want to be doing?" And if the answer wasn't yes, she would immediately change whatever it was that she didn't want to do. The kicker was: the question wasn't conditional. It wasn't circumstantial (who really wants to spend a Monday afternoon doing Chemo treatments?) It's about your heart. Am I living life the way I want? Am I doing what I want to do?  Am I leaving the kind of impression I want to leave? Can I be proud of what I am leaving on this earth? It's this kind of perspective on one's life that moves mountains, opens doors and changes lives.

Am I doing what I really want to be doing? Are you?

 Currently, I'm writing. So the answer for me is a resounding yes.

Yes.

It's the best answer a girl in her thirties could hope for. Thanks for the perspective, Nora. Hats off from yet another someone whose life has been changed by you.

celebrate you.

Lesson number 2: Celebrate your accomplishments.

I know this seems like a "duh" moment sort of post, but you would be amazed at how many people fail to recognize their own greatness.

I spent my weekend celebrating a friend's great achievement: graduating High School. A feat I accomplished literally 11 years ago. Let me just tell you, going to a Graduation is a lot like going to a wedding; you end up thinking about yourself; reflecting on your experiences and life. I found myself asking, if I could switch places and be here again, would I? Knowing what I know now, would I want it all in front of me again? If I did, what would I change? Everything? Nothing? And then I realized I was missing the point.

We have this one life; and all the things we do in it determines who we are and ultimately how our lives unfold. We can't spend these moments wishing we had done something differently; we have to just celebrate all that we do, which makes us who we are. It's not about rewriting your past, or about empty "coulda woulda shouldas", It's about celebrating the accomplishments you have achieved; perfect or not.

Graduating High School. Losing weight. Getting married. Getting your dream job (or 5 of them). Finding yourself. Finding Love. Making a discovery. Graduating College. Getting your Master's. Having a baby. Raising a family. Surviving everyday at work. Risking your life for your country. Contributing to Society. Rising above your life predictions.  Understanding your loved one. Realizing every action you take changes you into something slightly different than before said action.

These are all accomplishments. All different and yet necessary in their own right. Life goes so fast, if you don't take the time to appreciate all that you do to make it your own life, you risk ending up with a life full of regret. And we all have achieved way too much for that.

A patient of patience.

Well, if you can believe it, It is almost 3 months to the day that I will be....can I say it??? The big three -OH. In a lot of ways, I feel like my life has been leading up to this moment for my entire existence. (Not to be too dramatic or anything.)

With a mere 90 days left in my 20s, I have decided to begin a sort of reflection on all that I have learned throughout the years. Just a journal; a tiny contribution of a life lived (so far) with tons of adventures and even more mistakes.

The lesson harping on me as of late is that tricky little lesson of being patient. Waiting for the right time that everything simply comes together. I am reminded by one of my favorite Bible passages, found in Ecclesiastes: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven..." Wow, is this not the most truthful statement ever uttered???

Life is all about timing. I  have spent over half of mine in the wrong timing; not being patient to wait for what was meant to happen. To wait until I had gained more experience, to wait until I got to know the guy better, to wait until the light turned green. Just wait; trust that feeling deep in your heart; and to listen to it. To wait even when things are hard; or when they don't seem to make sense.

And guess what? It's a lesson I am still learning. My approach to life has always been a bit unorthodox; (something I am proud of and refuse to apologize for) when I want to do something, and it seems pretty fruitful and possible, I just go ahead and do it. It's a bit of an impulsive life version of Russian Roulette.

But then...something happened. I ran out of patience. I took one too many risks, and ended up having to move back in with my parents and lost everything. If I had only waited a bit longer....
But I have to remember, the lesson I am sharing is not one of regret, but of reflection.

Patience sometimes means sticking it out, even if I don't want to. Even if there is $450 million dollars on number 36 and I am committed to 32; staying on 32 is the ultimate challenge and true test of patience. (A roulette analogy for those of you who love it as much as me). Patience teaches virtute. It develops calmness, and helps keep you centered. It also teaches you how to control the crazy. It forces you to reflect within yourself while staying in one place; and to recognize that my time will come. Basically, for a mover like me, until some hard lessons were learned, patience was my kryptonite.

So how is this lesson faring as of late? Currently, I am testing myself to the capacity I never knew I could. I am actually, as we speak, learning this lesson of patience...I AM STAYING PUT...and guess what? I am SURVIVING.

So that's it. It will definitely be a lesson that will reach new highs and lows, especially as I continue to experience so many amazing things that life has to offer, but for me, patience has a new place in my life. Just one reason turning 30 won't be a total loss. (hopefully there will be about 90 more...)